SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey guys, are you ready to transform your mind so you can transform your life? Coach Mirna brings you one-on-one coaching and expert guest weekly to help you to grow. Because happiness is the progressive realization of a working goal.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Looking for personal growth? Let's do it. Do you have any others that you wanted to talk about?

SPEAKER_04 0:29

Absolutely. So I've worked with women for predominantly women, but I have also worked with many men on this. And they actually show the similar kind of um, you know, experiences. But over 20 years, I've worked with over 5,000 women closely. And what I realized, Myrna, is there are some very similar patterns across dating and relationships. And I essentially, for my research and the work I've done, discovered that there are really five types that tend to repeat over and over again. And each of these types, I named a certain love block. That's how I call them. These are blocks to you being able to give and receive love. These are blocks to being able to have that healthy, loving relationship that most people want. And each of these blocks show up time and time again with different people. So you could be with completely different personalities, but you'll end up, you know, recreating the same patterns from that block. So my block was the commitment phobe. What happened with me is I wanted love. I had this idea of like relationships, and you know, I want this type of person, but I would always attract emotionally unavailable people, men with baggage. They were kind of like those Playboy types, but they were deep. So I thought that I could change them. I thought, you know, eventually they would fall madly in love with me and it would be like, you know, it would be perfect. But every man I dated essentially had baggage and, you know, problems being um honest with themselves, being honest with me in the relationship. And really my relationships were a roller coaster ride. And I kept thinking that they were the problem, right? I thought it was like, oh, they couldn't commit to me because they had relationship issues, they were afraid of love, they didn't want to get their heart broken. And I was always making excuses for them, but essentially blaming them for why none of my relationships seemed to work out.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

Yeah, we always do that.

SPEAKER_02 2:37

Welcome back to the Transform Your Mind, Transform Your Life Radio Podcast and Television Show. I'm your host, Life Coach Mernie Young. And sitting in the guest chair today is Shanaya Gornemall, relationship reinvention coach. And Sanaya and I are going to be talking on the topic: why do we keep attracting the same relationship in a different person? Welcome, Shania.

SPEAKER_04 3:04

Thank you so much, Myrna. It is so nice to have you, to have me on your show.

SPEAKER_02 3:09

That's right. Yes. And I'm very, very excited about this conversation because you know what? We're not making it up. It happens, happens all the time. All right. So let me give you guys a brief introduction. Have you ever ended a relationship and promised yourself that you would never date someone like that again? And then somehow found yourself in the same relationship with a different person. Maybe the face changed, but the emotional pattern didn't. So today we're going to go beneath the surface of attraction to explore how childhood wounds, subconscious beliefs, self-worth, and unresolved emotional patterns can influence whom we choose and what we tolerate in relationships. My guest today, as I mentioned before, is Saniah Gournemon. She's a relationship reinvention coach who helps people break free from toxic relationship patterns, heal their relationship with themselves, which is very important, and create healthier, more fulfilling connections. Awesome. So I can't wait to get into this conversation. Anything about relationships, anything about wounds and childhood patterns. I am there. So, Shania, as we start off, let's start with something so many people experience. Why do we keep attracting the same type of relationship even after we've consciously decided that we want something different?

SPEAKER_04 4:46

So these are our patterns. We repeat patterns. Our brain likes what's comfortable, what's familiar. So if you grew up watching a certain kind of relationship in your childhood, usually your parents would be the first one that you would observe and witness. That becomes your foundation, your basis for how you see and understand relationships. Now we grow up and we're like, well, I don't want that kind of relationship, or I want something different. And so we go out seeking that different thing, but we end up falling back on what's familiar and we tend to choose subconsciously the very patterns, the very relationships that actually resemble what we learned, what we experienced in our past. It's unfortunate, it is against our better judgment and our wishes, and we find ourselves repeating the same stories with different people.

SPEAKER_02 5:42

Yeah, you know, I'm reading a book right now and it's talking about um thought and how we create with two things we create with our thoughts, whether there be positive thoughts or thoughts of fear. And I'm thinking that somewhere in our the reason that we keep attracting the same kind of relationship, and sometimes, you know, the reason we talk about it is because, you know, my my husband was a uh police officer, and he would tell me that he would go to these domestic violent relationships, and it's just the these women keep attracting the same kind of men, right? So when we see those kind of patterns, we wonder what's wrong with her? Why would she keep picking an abusive relationship? But it doesn't only go there, it goes to you know to other different things that we we have patterns on. But what you know, um uh this book that I was reading was talking about is whatever we fear we attract. So do we find that because we fear having the same kind of relationship, is that why we're attracting it? Or what makes us attract something we say we don't want?

SPEAKER_04 6:50

Well, that could be one of the reasons. So we think about this is what I don't want, I don't want, and we're so focused on what we don't want, and yet that's what we're repeating in our mind the whole time. But the thing is, for example, some people are afraid of cheating and they don't want to be cheated on. Now they're not, you know, searching for a cheater in their partner, and they don't know that the partner they're it they're with is going to eventually cheat on them. So it's really at the subconscious level that we almost attract the experience to us that we fear rather than choosing situations that are eventually going to um, you know, to put us in familiar situations. So there is a component of us fearing something, and we are so fixated on that that we actually attract it. We find ourselves in those very fears. There's also what is simply familiar to us, what feels like the kind of energy just feels comfortable to us because it's something we we recognize we know. So a lot of times we'll end up dating people who remind us of our father, or we end up repeating some of the the patterns that our mother, um, that our mother um created in her life. And a great example would be a client I was talking to yesterday, and um she was struggling with her relationships. And every time she'd be in a relationship, she would be this really controlling, demanding person. And she didn't like that about herself. But something about being in the relationship would bring out this kind of like, I need this and I expect this, and it was just too much pressure for the person that she was in. When we were talking about her life, and she's seen many therapists, and you know, she's worked with many, many people, but there was something about going back and starting to look at some of her childhood patterns and memories that brought up this recognition that, oh, well, my father was this really calm and steady and loving person, but my mother, um, her mother was struggling with some mental health issues, she explained. Her mother was very controlling and demanding, and they had a very, you know, they had a very difficult relationship themselves. And so she recognized that in her relationships, she was actually repeating her mother's behavior. And in a way, she was asking every man that she was with, unconsciously, she was asking every man, will you stay like my dad did? Will you be there no matter how crazy I am, how cushy I am, how demanding I am right? Because her father stayed with her mother no matter what. And she was essentially asking every man to prove that he could be like her father, because that was the only re way she felt safe.

unknown 9:54

Wow.

SPEAKER_04 9:55

And when she realized that, Myrna, it was like, you know, this whole like clarity, right, right, right, you know, came to came over her, and she was like, Oh my god, I had no idea that what I was doing was repeating my mother's behavior, and that is the behavior that was most difficult for me growing up, yeah, you know, and she was running away from that relationship, and here she was repeating it, repeating it, and that's consciously too. Yeah, right, you know, so it's not that she feared her mother's behavior, but she was repeating something that felt very familiar.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

Yeah, yeah, very familiar. We all I know that men usually choose, right? You said girls, you know, get someone like their father, but I know men are always looking for like their mother, or you know, the things that their mother did, and and what they, you know, and they and they kind of try to get a wife that's just like their mother. But you know, it's very interesting. I had relationship patterns, um, cheaters. I mean, I would just get them, and I don't know if it was because of our culture or what's going on right now with men that they cheat, but I seem to attract, I attracted them all the time. And I don't think that I've seen that in my childhood. So I don't know, I'm not sure exactly where it came from, but you're right. Something about it was familiar with the energy or whatever, or the type of person that I liked, the playboys, right? They're always the cheaters.

SPEAKER_04 11:28

And we always like the same type of person. There is some kind of like you're right, it's like a signature energy of the Playboy who is eventually gonna break your heart, and you're actually attracted or addicted to having your heart broken, okay, which is what I end up with.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

Wow, I like that word, addicted. Yes, yes, yeah. Boy, the subconscious mind is is so important. The things that it guides us to, it runs the show.

SPEAKER_04 12:00

Yes, Myrna, there are many layers to it. So we can talk about familiarity. In your case, we can talk about, you know, why did you attract cheaters all the time? Why did you need to have your heart being broken? So there are many layers that interact.

SPEAKER_02 12:13

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Never freaking that one out. Well, I I think that I I I think that I I decided that something that you said about that woman that was always very demanding and all that. I mean, I've I've had you know conversations with a lot of relationship coaches on the show, and they always seem to go into the feminine and the masculine energy. And I and I just attribute it to the fact that you know I was in my masculine energy, and uh the people that cheated on me went to go for one of those soft, pliable women that you know didn't didn't have it like your your your your client didn't have any didn't have any words to tell them what to do. And I wasn't demanding, but I wasn't I wasn't I'm a I'm a doer and I'm uh I'm usually in male energy. And that's how I figured it. I that's what I um attributed it to. But you're right, it could have been um some subconscious level of um uh childhood experiences and familiarity and and and whatever, you know.

SPEAKER_04 13:23

I'd love to ask you a few questions if you'd let me. Sure, go ahead. So I'll go deeper into that.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

Go ahead. Right?

SPEAKER_04 13:30

So so tell me, um, tell me, Myrna, your parents, did they ever have any form of betrayal that showed up in their relationship? It doesn't have to be cheating. But for example, did your mother feel let down or disappointed by your father because of a behavior pattern or something?

SPEAKER_02 13:51

They broke up like right after I was born and he did cheat on her. Oh, I never thought of that, but I never witnessed it. I was a baby, I didn't witness that, but maybe she poured it in.

SPEAKER_04 14:01

You would have heard it. Yeah, you would have heard it from your mother, you would have known that that's what would have happened. So unconsciously, that is something you know to be true, that men cheat. You've known it from the time you know you've you've been old enough to understand these things, yeah. That and the fact that your father I they they separated, is that right? When you were born. So you already witnessed that the man is not around, that he isn't there, right? Right? So that is another form of betrayal and cheating, not only with your mother, but with you, because your father who should be there for you, the first man in your life was not there for you. He let you down. You see that?

SPEAKER_02 14:51

So then that's let's go deeper. So, why did that why did that show up with me attracting men that cheated on me? Okay, so I mean, this is this is a psychiatrist question, but let's see if you can answer.

SPEAKER_04 15:04

No, absolutely. This is the work I do. So, in in your case, Myrna, and and please correct me. So, this is kind of like you know, we're figuring it out together. That is the process that I use with people I work with. But essentially, you learned at a very young age that men could not be counted on, that they could leave, they could not, um even though they're supposed to love you, they won't be there. So it's twofold. It's he wasn't there for your mother, but he also wasn't there for you. And so early on you learned not to trust men. So subconsciously, with every man, you are already waiting for him to disappoint you betrayed or leave. And so your energy was always overprotecting, over in a way, even pushing him away because it was like you're gonna leave anyways. So I'm not gonna get too close, I'm not gonna get too attached. I'm expecting you eventually to abandon me, if my father did.

SPEAKER_02 16:07

Yeah, and so you never quite maybe let them in, you never quite, you know, gave them your trust for your true, because what you subconsciously believe you um whether you I want to say achieve, but that's the that's a different context. But whatever you subconsciously believe you experience, that's probably a better word, and that is very true because I never trusted men, not only from my mom, but my grandmother would tell me that they're they can't be trusted either.

SPEAKER_04 16:37

So I agree. You got it, right? You got it from everywhere, you know. You stood no chance with all that programming, right? So essentially that's what it was. You were programmed.

SPEAKER_02 16:49

I never thought of it that way. Like I said, I took the blade. I'm thinking it's my energy, right? Wow, that is pretty good. All right, so I had a question here about the blueprint of how we love as adults. Um, came from our childhood. So you just kind of explained my blueprint. Do you have any others that you wanted to talk about? Absolutely. Are you looking for daily immune support without the pills? Let me introduce you to Immune from Grooms. They are sour pineapple gummies packed with vitamins, minerals, and botanicals designed to support immune health, stress, resilience, and overall wellness before you feel run down. So, what makes immune different? They are packed with comprehensive 13 in one blend with vitamin C, zinc, D3, B vitamins, elderberry, ashawagon, turmeric, ginger, fiber, and more. Designed to work together, not rely on one hero ingredient. They're designed for daily use with balanced vitamin C, 200 milligrams, zinc, 15 milligrams, for consistent long-term immune support, not megadoses meant for emergencies. And they have stress support for aptogens like ashwagonda and holy basil. These help address everyday stress, a key factor that can weaken your immune system. So, who is immune for? Anyone who wants to stay well before things go downhill, especially people who deal with busy schedules and everyday stress, which is all of us, or you travel, you're commuting, and you're exposed to germs, you know, in the airplanes or seasonal dips in wellness. Do you always get the flu during flu season? So if you're ready to improve your immunity, click the link in the show notes for a coupon code and let's start building up your immunity.

SPEAKER_04 19:37

So I've worked with women for predominantly women, but I have also worked with many men on this. Um, and they actually show the similar kind of um, you know, experiences. But over 20 years, I've worked with over 5,000 women closely. And what I realized, uh Myrna, is there are some very similar patterns across dating and relationships. And I essentially, from my research and the work I've done, discovered that there are really five types that tend to repeat over and over again. And each of these types, I named a certain um love block. That's how I call them. These are blocks to you being able to give and receive love. Um, these are blocks to being able to have that healthy, loving relationship that most people want. And each of these blocks show up time and time again with different people. So you could be with completely different personalities, but you'll end up, you know, recreating the same patterns from that block. So my block was the commitment phobe. What happened with me is I wanted love. I had this idea of like relationships, and you know, I want this type of person, but I would always attract emotionally unavailable people, men with baggage. They were kind of like those Playboy types, but they were deep. So I thought that I could change them. I thought, you know, eventually they would fall madly in love with me and it would be like, you know, it would be perfect. But every man I dated essentially had baggage and, you know, problems being um honest with themselves, being honest with me in the relationship. And really my relationships were a roller coaster ride. And I kept thinking that they were the problem, right? I thought it was like, oh, they couldn't commit to me because they had relationship issues, they were afraid of love, they didn't want to get their heart broken. And I was always making excuses for them, but essentially blaming them for why none of my relationships seemed to work out.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

And we always do that.

SPEAKER_04 21:43

We always do that, right? Because it's so much easier to be like, they're the problem, because then we don't have to sit with the discomfort that it's something we're doing. And I think the most powerful moment for me was the day I kind of sat down and I was like, wait a minute. Every relationship I'm in, you know, I seem to be attracting the same type of person. So it doesn't matter who I date, I'm in the same situation. I'm always left, you know, disappointed, unhappy, and not getting what I want. So the common denominator in every relationship is me, which means I must be the problem, right? Like I must be the problem, not them. And honestly, it was it was the most shocking like realization. I didn't like it. I really didn't, but it was also powerful because then I realized, oh my God, it's not them doing it to me. I'm not the the victim of the situation. I'm actually creating, attracting, choosing in a way that puts me in the same situation.

SPEAKER_02 22:46

And when I what was what was your story that allowed you to become like that?

SPEAKER_04 22:51

So what happened with me is I had an idea of what love should look like from the movies, you know, from the books I read. And yet every relationship around me didn't look that way. Um, my parents went through a phase in their life where there was a lot of conflict, you know, they, you know, they were fighting all the time. And I remember looking at that and being like, that doesn't look like, you know, something I would want in my relationship. I had friends who had, you know, gotten married and had some pretty terrible experiences. I had cousins, you know, they married someone, and that person after they got married turned out to be someone else. So there was a lot of heartbreak and heartache in relationships around me, and my own relationships contributed to that too. So I wanted love, I wanted that amazing relationship, but all I kept recreating was that love hurts, love is difficult. And so unconsciously, I didn't want to be in a relationship because I figured it was not worth all the suffering, all the pain, all the heartache. You know, it was better. I was better off single. So I would keep putting myself in relationships where because they were unavailable, they were emotionally unavailable.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

Wow, that subconscious mind again.

SPEAKER_00 24:18

Right.

SPEAKER_02 24:18

Wow.

SPEAKER_04 24:19

Yes, it was unlikely we we'd end up together. And that's really what I kept creating is relationships.

SPEAKER_02 24:24

We're talking about some really deep stuff here, you know, that things that people wouldn't think about, right? Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_04 24:31

So commitment, commitment phobe is one of the first um personalities of of the love block. The other one that is very common is the runaway bride. So this is when you've been hurt so many times in your relationships, or you've seen that you've seen your mother be hurt, or your father be hurt growing up in his in his relationship with with your other parent, that you stop trusting love. And you get into relationships, you make it to kind of maybe even wanting to move in or even get married, but right before that you get cold feet because somewhere deep down, you're afraid of getting hurt again. And so you end up um running away, you know, right when you're about to movie like that with Julia Roberts, the runaway bride. Yes. That is what is it's named after, actually, is that Julia Roberts movie. I remember it just yeah, I just really resonated with that too. So the run away the runaway bride can actually be in a long-term relationship, but when it gets serious, when it, you know, when we're talking about like the next big step, they self-sabotage, they self-destruct, they run from the relationship. Then you've got the people pleaser. The people pleaser is someone who probably grew up with a parent or both parents who would constantly reward them for good behavior. And so what they learned that for the for them to be loved, they have to constantly, you know, perform. They have to please their parents, whether it's by good grades, you know, cleaning up and being useful around the house, whatever that family dynamic was, they bring it into the relationships where they basically lose themselves in their relationship, trying to pease their partner. They make the partner the center of their world, you know, they become very dependent on their partner, and everything in their own life becomes secondary. And so the people pleaser ends up losing sense of self, losing her identity, you know, losing um any uh connection with her own needs. And what happens with the partner is they take you for granted when you're the people pleaser, right? They stop, um, they stop prioritizing you because you don't prioritize yourself in the relationship. And at the end of that, the people pleaser is left feeling resentful, unseen, unloved, unwanted. And the the partner of the people pleaser use usually feels eventually bored or feels like that that partner, the people pleaser is always kind of clinging on to them and they get tired of it and they leave. So that's the people pleaser dynamic, is they can't seem to keep their partner or hold on to that relationship. Um, the next one is the caretaker. This is another really big one. This is where you're you're you've grown up always taking care of someone. It could be a sibling, it could be a parent that you know struggled with mental health, or a parent that really needed your support. Maybe it was a single parent, maybe you had younger siblings, maybe you had to take care of yourself because your parents weren't around or they were too busy working or they had a lot going on. So either way, you became the caretaker. And in every relationship, you take care of your partner rather than being an equal partner. You don't know how to receive, you don't know how to um have love that goes both ways, and you get exhausted taking care of your partner. Now, usually the caretaker attracts someone who's been broken, you know, someone who has been damaged, need taken care of, needs to be fixed. And the caretaker is really excited about this project because the caretaker loves to take care. And you take care of the partner, you kind of essentially raise that partner up, you lift them up, you heal them, you kind of, you know, fix them. And then suddenly they don't need you anymore because they're all good now. They don't need the taking care. The caretaker starts to feel like they're not wanted, they're not useful in that relationship. And the the person they're dating, they're in a relationship with, um, now that they're all good, they're all fine, they leave and find someone better in a sense. You know, in their mind, they're finding someone better because they were only with the person because they were good.

SPEAKER_02 29:12

They were taking care of that. Wow.

SPEAKER_04 29:14

Wow. So they find someone that they look up to rather than you know being taken care of. It's like they look for a different dynamic. And the last one, Myrna, is the memory chaser. This is when you've been in a relationship. It actually might not have even been a good relationship, but you've put that relationship on a pedestal. Pedestal. Nobody will match that person who got away. You know, you will never be happy again. You can never be happy again because the one person that was right for you that you should have been with is gone. Now, this could be someone who really liked was abusive. This could be someone who is not a good partner. But because the memory chaser tends to reflect back and look back at the past and is afraid to move forward, the memory chaser clings on to that past relationship and makes it the standard for every other relationship. It could have also been a pretty good relationship, but the memory chaser won't allow herself to even find something better because that has become the standard. And it's this thing of like, I lost my one chance at love, or it was the ship that sailed. It's that regret that they're stuck in, or they feel like they were responsible for why the relationship didn't work out. And so all of that keeps them stuck in the past instead of allowing someone else to come in, or they keep, you know, they date maybe, but they keep comparing every person to the last person. And so they can't really get out of that loop and that person.

SPEAKER_02 30:47

You know, I have a I have a girlfriend that was married for 47 years and her husband died. And and she tells me how this man was so wonderful. And now at 65, she is is matching every man to, and I said to her, listen, that's not gonna come again. That's not a coming in. You've gotta, you've got to, yeah, you've got to relax those standards, especially at 65. But um, yes, but it was a good relationship, you know what I mean? It could have been yeah, 47 years. And I said to her, hey, you just be grateful that God give you that kind of love, right? But don't go looking for it again, don't be testing every man. Yeah, every man that she she she dates, she's putting him up against this beautiful husband of hers.

SPEAKER_04 31:39

And I mean, and you know, in in her case, so the healing or the um the work that I do for each type of love block personality is very different. So for her, for example, she can't seem to, you know, she can't seem to let go of that relationship of her past. But what she needs to understand is that she doesn't need to look for the same thing, she needs to be okay with something different. And the healing that I would do with her is to help her understand she has this kind of hidden loyalty to her husband. And she feels that if she does allow herself to fall in love with someone else, she's betraying his love for her. So there's kind of this loyalty that she's afraid to break. Um, I see that a lot with people I work with, that we have loyalties to our parents, our mother, our father. We want to sometimes fix what went wrong in their relationship. And that's why we repeat the same thing and we try to have a different ending. We try to do it differently to prove that we'll be different. The other, the other thing, the other way loyalty shows up is it's just, you know, you don't want to betray that other relationship by allowing someone else in, in the case of a memory chaser.

SPEAKER_02 32:53

Yeah, yeah. Memory chaser, that's pretty good. Yeah, but I'm not, I don't think that um that's the correct diagnosis for her because her husband died of cancer, and uh, he gave her permission to find love again because he told her that she's not the type of woman that can be alone. Um, and she can't because she married like right out of college or something. She'd be married for a long time. But what I what she's doing is he was an exceptional man, and you know, uh maybe because he was, you know, a man from the 60s or something. You know, the men in in this day and age don't behave like that. So I'm just trying to tell her that, you know, um, she has to have, she can't expect a man to take care of her with everything that this one did, right? She needs to come into the relationship knowing that there are certain things that she has to bring and and people are different, and just evaluate people on on what's in front of her and not memory chasing like you're talking about, right?

SPEAKER_04 34:01

Um respectfully, I I totally respect your point of view, but Myrna, this is what I've seen. She can find that kind of quality of man again. I truly believe that they do exist, it's not like they don't. That is just, you know, a lot of a little in a haystack. Yes, yes and no, yes and no. You know, I'm married to a man like the one you you were describing, and you know, he's in his 40s, you know. I I see a lot of men that way, and I see a lot of the women that I work with end up with men who are needle in a haystack, but it all comes down to our own energy and vibration. She attracted that kind of man, which means somewhere in her is that kind of um level. Yeah. And she would end up finding that kind of person if she allowed herself to.

SPEAKER_02 34:57

So when you do what's been happening is that she's dating and nobody is coming close, which is why, yeah. I mean, like when you're my personal take is when you're 65, you don't go into a relationship looking for the same thing that you went in when you were 20. To me, it's a different thing. Yeah, if it happens to come your way, then you should be grateful. But I don't think that you should be looking and crossing off the boxes. That was that's my opinion.

SPEAKER_04 35:25

And that's the memory.

SPEAKER_02 35:26

That's me what a memory chaser is. You had something so good that that's all you would accept.

unknown 35:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 35:33

So the memory chaser is holding on to something that belonged in a different time and place, right? That's the thing that, and the thing is, it doesn't mean she cannot find a good man, an equally good man, but there are different things that matter right now, which she probably not explored within herself. I'm also guessing guilt, right? If he died of cancer, there there is likely to be some kind of guilt. Maybe she hasn't grieved and completely processed the pain of that loss. There would be layers of other things that are kind of keeping her like tied to that relationship. So that's where the loyalty comes in. Maybe there's also guilt, a feeling of I'm alive and you're not. There are many different things that we could explore to figure out why she's kind of not able to move forward. And if she allowed herself to, she'd probably attract men who feel like her ex, her husband, right? Who have that kind of similar feeling. Maybe he's a different personality, but have that same kind of feeling of she feels safe with them. She feels like they would take care of her. And there are people like that.

unknown 36:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:46

So again, like women come to me all the time and they're like, Sanaya, but there's no one here to date, you know, the people, the men on the apps, or in this city, like my client was, oh, in San Francisco, there's no one to date. And she was just kind of really like, you know, feeling like there was no possibility where she was. And the thing is, when I start working with them, it's like something opens up when we start healing and letting go and kind of working through the process. Yes, mindset shifts. It's like we see different things. Yes, you know, you should walk down the road and your your eyes will only connect with the people that your energy is matching at that time. But as you kind of heal and work, you attract different people, you attract different experiences. Sure, you approach things differently, you know, with a more open mind, with a more open heart. And that gives you completely different outcomes and results, right? Like so you could be at a coffee shop and someone starts talking to you. But if your mind is shut down and your heart is closed, that conversation is not going to go anywhere. But if your heart is open and you trust men and you're like open to the idea, you're more likely to let the conversation go somewhere. And then you know, you know what I mean? It's just you will behave differently based on words.

SPEAKER_02 38:02

It's it's really true because right now there's so many scammers out there that you don't even let things not in relationship, but I'm just using it as an example. I mean, when you close today, I I got an email with somebody that's uh um uh nominating me for some kind of award, and my first response was just trash it because there's so many scammers that's coming through that when you get these things, you think it's fake, you know what I mean? So I I I I like your coffee shop thing because if you don't trust men and someone comes to talk to you in a coffee shop, the first thing you're gonna say, he's a scammer, so whatever. And you really know this. So it's it's true. It's uh it's uh, you know, uh the the the times that we're living in, right? You you can't be, you know, whatever, but you're right. So when you start talking to these women and you try to understand where what their blocks are, which were some pretty good ones, by the way. So where their blocks are and you open them up because when you're open, right, that is when people can come in. You know, you can't you can't expect the someone to come into your door if it's closed, just like me. You know, I block most of the things that come through my email because I'm thinking they're all scammers. So yeah, you start doing the internal work and you open up a little bit and you pick the door open and you started to trust things. And then what happens? Yeah, you're right. The right man is gonna come in because you're trusting and the universe is is um sending you what you're looking for. I we started talking about your thoughts or what you create with, whether it's the fear thought or the positive thought. And if you believe that that's what you will that you're you're holding out for, I mean, it would come in, but it's very true. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 40:00

You're right. You're right. You you summarized it beautifully. And I want to add one more thing, Myrna. Like in your story, right, you talked about, we talked about trust and not being able to trust Ned. Now, if you look at it with a wider lens, that issue in our relationship, right, ends up actually being kind of something we see in other aspects of our life. So would you say you tend to be more less trusting of all people?

SPEAKER_02 40:34

Probably. I'm not sure. Right? That's a little bit more cynical. That's a different question. I'm not sure if I'm not trustful of people, but I know I'm certainly not trustful of online things because because of the work that I do and because I'm on social media and I've got my information on the my website or whatever, I'm in a dating with scammers. Yeah. So I'm I certainly don't trust anything on that area. But with people, I don't know. I don't know if I can make that open blanket statement.

SPEAKER_04 41:12

Think about it. Like it's it's very interesting. We I find that these blocks show up in so many different aspects of our lives. So we we might be working on love, but then you kind of see when you when you work through it, it's like other aspects of your life start opening up. And I'll give you an example. So I had a lot of trust issues myself, right? And um I did a lot of work, obviously, in my own journey. And this is something I really consciously worked on. So last it was, I think it was about like last year, I had um someone online who hacked my Instagram account, essentially like hijacked it and was holding it for ransom. So basically he said, if I didn't pay him a certain amount of money, um, my entire Instagram account with all my, you know, my followers, everything would be completely lost to me. Now I had a I had two choices, pay or lose the account that I had spent time building. Now, what I did is I started chatting with the scammer, this hacker, right? And I started essentially asking him questions about why does he do this to people? Like, did someone betray him? And essentially I started coaxing him and healing him. And, you know, I'm sure he was just like, what is wrong with this woman? Like, just give me the money. But every time he would reach out to kind of check where I was at, I would just be like, you know, you're actually, you know, you're you're hurting yourself by doing this because you I don't know if you're gonna feel good about this. And I was doing all of this like coaching with him, and when did this start and blah blah blah? And you know, eventually what happened, Myrna? He gave me my account back without me paying for it.

SPEAKER_02 43:03

Well, that's a story you should always tell because it's beautiful.

SPEAKER_04 43:07

It was it was I made an entire video on it. I like because it was shocking, you know, in a time where nobody can be trusted, right? And I had worked through my own trust issues, you can actually go past that and actually believe in the goodness of all people. And I do, which is why, even though I know this online world is full of like these kind of people, and it's it's real, you know, this isn't this is a legitimate thing, you know. The the trust barometer in the world is at an all time low because of what's going on in this online space, right? So I acknowledge it's very real, but a part of me is just like, okay, but I trust myself. I trust kind of the universe is here to support me. And there's such a trust that I built that even when Somebody's trying to scam me. I continued to believe that it was gonna work out for me.

SPEAKER_02 44:06

That's beautiful. That's beautiful. And it's deeply spiritual.

SPEAKER_04 44:10

Yeah, he gave it back to me. You know, and it's a true story. I, you know, I chronicled it, it was like I I actually talked through everything that was happening while it was happening. And then it was like an announcement to my audience that oh my god, I got it back, you know, because he gave it back.

SPEAKER_02 44:29

And I had this the the text messages from him, I was screenshotting them, and it was just like, look, even the only time I've heard that is in a much more dangerous situation where somebody has kidnapped somebody and you've got to talk your way out to live, you know, and to I don't even know, I don't know if those ones come around, but I mean, I know people do that. They they they have to plead for their lives and have to, you know, uh try to get on the person's good side and and do all that. But the fact that you you you did it and um and and and that was successful over, you know, um something that was not dangerous to you, your life was not in danger, that that that is beautiful. Yes. I wanted to circle back quickly to something you said about people pleasing, because my daughter is a people pleaser, she doesn't go into any of the extremes as you mentioned in relationships, but I never I never thought that I was responsible. I always thought that it was a relationship that a very bad relationship that she had that made her that way. But you said something earlier that I would like you to say again for someone else that's listening, because you said that um people pleasers they were uh their parents always um say that again because you said what I thought I heard you say was that the the parents um of someone that's that's always performing they go into relationships expecting that kind of adoration. That's what I got from it. So repeat that.

SPEAKER_04 46:10

Yeah, so what happens with the people pleaser is they grow up learning that being useful to others, pleasing others, putting other people's happiness above their own is rewarded. It could be rewarded with love from the parents, it could be rewarded by um acknowledgement from society or community. For example, in my in my childhood, um, when you were constantly doing things for other people, it's like the community would be like, oh, what a what a wonderful girl. Like you would get a lot of this acknowledgement and you would get recognized. And my mom would then come and tell me that so-and-so said you did this amazing thing. So if I would get praised, it would come secondhand because somebody else would tell my parents. So I learned it was very important to care about what other people think.

SPEAKER_02 47:10

And that's my daughter to a T. That's my daughter to a T. She's a superhuman person and she likes hearing that. And of course, I praise her all the time, and she's she's been a right anyway. All right. So I just wanted to hear that again because you know that's so I I I mean, I'm thinking that she let me address she became a people pleaser because she was in a bad relationship and she had to please this person, and that's what she became. But yeah, but you just you just you just irradiated her experience as a child because she was always a good child and she always got praise, and all the family praised her, and everybody loved her, and all her friends loved her, and she goes on right now with the same thing. She wants to be loved and she wants to please, but she's not a doormat, but she's just anyway. Go ahead. Sorry.

SPEAKER_04 48:00

So the other thing I want to add to this, because I knew I knew where your mind was going with this. I was like, okay, let me tell her this other thing. So the thing with a people pleaser, right? We call it a people pleaser when their entire self-worth is built around other people. So you could have someone who's very helpful, who really likes to kind of do things for other people, really like, prioritizes other people without without kind of neglecting or abandoning themselves. So that is not a people pleaser. That is someone who genuinely that's their personality. And there are people who really enjoy, you know, serving other people, helping other people, and even make it their life's work. As long as their self-esteem and their, you know, sense of identity doesn't get compromised. Okay, we don't call it people pleasing. People pleasing happens when you abandon yourself to please other people. Like everyone else is more important than you. And what ends up happening is eventually you get depressed or you go, you know, you get really resentful of people because they don't give anything back, even though you never asked for it. So a people pleasing kind of situation is not ideal because you're you're miserable, you know, you're miserable and you keep getting abandoned by the partner. But if you're someone like it could be the daughter you described, I mean, it doesn't have to be a negative thing, it could be a beautiful thing, it could be amazing. Um, but a lot of high-achieving women are essentially kind of people pleasers in disguise because they abandon themselves, they neglect themselves just for elevation, yeah, the achievement or for you know the success or and it's something they learn to do in childhood because that's all like they were told that if you you know, if you succeed, you will be loved. And so they're still trying it.

SPEAKER_02 49:58

So that's what I wanted to touch on. I just wanted to make sure that that I was in response. But you're right, she's not like because when you explained and the relationship how they're pleasing, and then the person leaves them because they're so she's not she's doesn't gone to that extreme, but she knows she's a people pleaser because if someone calls her and asks her to do something, she's gonna do it, even though because she can't say no. I mean, it's just a totally different thing, but all right, I um I I I just wanted to circle back because for the first time I'm I'm thinking that oh my goodness, maybe I'm the one that made her that way.

SPEAKER_04 50:33

And you know, as a parent myself, as a parent myself, it isn't really about who's to blame, it's about understanding that what um what happened and how that shaped us, right? So each of these love blocks personality, personalities that I described, Mirna, at the end of the day, no one's to blame. It's just how your life played out and the kind of experiences that you attracted. And at the end of the day, my client, the woman I'm working with, wants a healthy, loving relationship. She wants to be loved. And if these, you know, experiences are getting in the way of that, then my goal is to help you release what's not working for you. Like if the people pleasing is working for you, great. But if it's not working for you and you keep ending up in relationships where you are taken for granted, nobody values you because you don't really prioritize yourself, then of course we want to work on that. We want to be able to kind of um shift how you're showing up in your relationships and work on that relationship with yourself. So you are priority, you aren't neglecting yourself, you are someone who takes up space in the relationship, right? At the end of the day, that is going to give you a better chance of a relationship that feels, you know, like it's a partnership, it's equal and both people matter.

SPEAKER_02 51:56

Yeah, she's got a pretty good marriage and she's got a pretty good partner marriage, but yeah, she doesn't so it's not a problem, right? She doesn't know, she doesn't bring the people pleasing that much into her marriage.

SPEAKER_04 52:06

And if she does bring it into the other area, right? She could work on that if she's not happy with it, you know. If it if it leaves her feeling not good about herself, then that is something she could work on. But if, like I like to say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, fix it, right? But if it is broke, then let's do something about it.

SPEAKER_02 52:31

You gotta do something about it. Amazing. All right. So we've had a really good conversation. So if anyone that's listening, that they're realizing that they're repeating the same patterns for years, you know, they see themselves into these blocks that you're talking about, and they were pretty good blocks. Um, you know, um, I haven't heard, I mean, I think the first two I've heard the last ones, the last three, I didn't. Um, how do they finally break the cycle? I mean, short, you know. I mean, I'm I know they come to you for coaching and you and you help them through the process, but for someone that's listening, um, is there some steps or there's certain things that you could do? Yes.

SPEAKER_04 53:14

So I have a quiz. Um, it's called the Love Blocks Quiz, and it essentially helps you see which one of these blocks you are. It um asks you certain questions about your behavior and your patterns in your relationships, and then gives you your most dominant block. Now, a lot of people have like one or two dominant blocks, and they may play out other patterns as well, but the one that is the biggest is the one that you really need to kind of become aware of. Now, awareness obviously is huge. When you can start to understand your behavior, you can become more conscious about what you're doing and why you're doing it. And just that I find helps a lot of people see their lives with a lot more clarity and make better choices. Um, once you get your love block personality, I give you some journaling worksheets, I give you a bunch of different resources to help you start to work through that love block. And then, you know, if they want to work with me after that, that is completely um, you know, something that is open to them. But I give them a lot of resources to actually start becoming aware and start working through it uh just from the quiz itself as well. And you know, any anything that helps you get more understanding, more clarity, make better choices is always gonna do something for you.

SPEAKER_02 54:36

Yeah, you're right. Awareness is the first stage. Awareness, you can't fix anything that you don't know about is very because we keep talking, but the subconscious patterns. Yeah. So once you bring it from the subconscious to the conscious, then that's uh that's that's a big thing. All right. So where can our listeners um learn more about you? Um, and uh, you know, get um this quiz. Um so tell us your website, tell us your social media handles, and um you don't have a book, right?

SPEAKER_04 55:05

Not yet. All right, so it's uh Sanaya Gurnamal.com is just my full name, uh Sanayagurnamal.com. And um on all social media channels, I'm at Sanaya Gurnamal. I'm very active on Instagram. I have a podcast called Project Loving Myself, which is on Apple, Spotify, everywhere that you you know listen to your podcasts. And um, I'm also quite active on YouTube, so I have a lot of videos there. Um, if you go to my website, you'll see the quiz. It's the first uh, you know, button on there, but I'm also gonna share it with you, Mirna, if you'd like to share it with your listeners. And uh it's a quick five, seven-minute quiz that is actually going to tell you a lot about your life.

SPEAKER_02 55:49

I will, I'm not looking for love, but I'll take that quiz because I'm always very curious.

SPEAKER_04 55:54

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 55:55

I'm always very curious, right? Yes, so um I will have the links to Sunya's um website. I'm sorry, and her quiz on the show notes. Um, her name is um hard to spell. So I will I will have the link on there. At least she didn't bother trying to spell it here. And I would also link out her Instagram handle and yes, tag you on the post when we when the episode is live um to share the marketing clips. Wow, this was we could have gone on forever. I have like four or five questions here that I didn't even ask you. We could have gone on forever. This was a fantastic, fantastic conversation and um very important conversation. And one of the things that I love when I come and sit in this chair is that I learned something, and I learned a lot from you to today, Shania. Um, definitely the the love blocks, never heard anyone talk about it before. I understand the concepts, but um, and yes, and you know, you open something up to me myself, regarding of why I kept attracting cheating men. Never once in all my years as a coach, never once um had that awareness. Um, so that was pretty good, and you were spot on with that. So, um, so why do we um keep choosing the wrong people? Sometimes we think we keep meeting the wrong people, but perhaps the deeper question is what patterns inside of me keep recognizing this kind of love as familiar. So when we heal the part of ourselves that learn to associate love with abandonment, struggle, rejection, or pain, we don't just change what we attract, we change what we choose, what we accept, and what we believe we deserve. So, yes, um, you know, um the conversation, you know, centered around a lot of things. But yes, we deserve love and we deserve to have the highest form of it that we want, you know. Excuse me, I talked about my friend that's looking to replicate the best love that she had. And, you know, I'm thinking that it may be not possible, but it could be, you know, when she opens yourself up to the universe, maybe she was one of these people that get gets it twice. You know what I mean? There's not only, you know, some people say, oh, the love of my life is past, but I've heard people say they've had two loves or their lives. So it's all what you believe and what you open your heart up to and and trust in the in the in the power of the universe to bring you what you want. So, yes, I enjoy this conversation totally. So, um, Shania, as we wrap up, any last words?

SPEAKER_04 58:47

Well, thank you firstly. Um, Mirna, the questions you asked me were wonderful. And um, I really appreciate you letting me go a little deeper into your own mind and use your own story. That is not something that is easy to do, especially with you know, all your listeners um who are are getting a peek into your own life. So thank you for allowing me to do that. It is really um, it is really something that I I recognize and I appreciate. And most importantly, what I want to share with your listeners is you know, it it the most important relationship in your life is the one with yourself. And so I truly believe that is the one that is something we need to take care of, something we need to prioritize. And self-love is something that I value.

SPEAKER_02 59:36

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Even though we have these blocks, um, we can come back to loving ourselves and believing that you know we deserve the best. Because yes, you know, we were people, people please. We're gonna end with that one, is because they don't think they deserve, you know, something, so they have to be making themselves a doormat. Or my grandmother would say if you make yourself a doormat, people are gonna walk on you. Right? People behave. Yeah, you deserve better. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:07

So people behave the way you invite them to.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:10

Exactly. Yes, yes, exactly. All right, so that was great. Love this conversation. Thank you guys for tuning in to this week's episode of Transform Your Mind so we can transform your life. Today we're talking about transforming your life with your love relationships and understanding your blocks, which came from childhood. And of course, almost everything I talk about on this show is, you know, can be traced back to her childhood. And today I learned something about myself too. So I will bring that into my awareness and do something with it. Um, so thank you guys for tuning in. If you found this conversation stimulating and you know of a friend that can benefit from it, share it, please. And we'll love to hear your comments on um on social media when I post it um and on YouTube. So thank you guys for tuning in today. Thank you, Shania, for being on the show. Until next time, Namaste.