SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey guys, are you ready to transform your mind so you can transform your mind? Coach Miranda brings you one-on-one coaching and expert gets quickly to get you the problem. Because happiness is the progressive realization of a working old.

SPEAKER_03 0:18

Looking for personal growth? Let's do it. Is that what you're saying?

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Well, I think that conversation can take part in your healing, right? Okay. But ultimately, what's really going to heal you is you deciding to feel the pain of what they did to you. So I'm going to give you a very realistic example, okay, that's going to help with this into perspective. We talk about the analogy of someone backstabbing you, right? So I need every person listening to think about it this way. If you deeply trusted your partner and to the point where you allow them to actually stand behind you, that takes a great level of trust to let somebody out of your sight be in a position where they could hurt you, but you're not hyper alert that they will, because you trust them. And that person who figuratively grabbed a knife and stuck it in your back, or literally did that, imagine that. If they were to tell you, oh, I did it because I wasn't feeling a connection between us. I did it because I was weak and something was wrong with me, and I'm really sorry. I did it because I, you know, I was so tempted by somebody else, and I'm so dumb, and I really want to fix this. Or if they did it and then just walked away and pretended like nothing happened, you still have a knife in your back. You still have to get yourself to the nearest hospital and give yourself the help that you need.

SPEAKER_03 2:05

Welcome to the Transform Your Mind to Transform Your Life radio, podcast, and television show, where we bring you conversations that help you heal your mind, reclaim your power, and create the life you deserve. I'm your host, Life Coach Bernie Young. And I want to start off by asking you a question. Have you ever stayed in a relationship long after you knew that it was hurting you? Maybe you kept hoping the person who caused your pain would finally apologize, change, or give you the closure you needed. But what if you've been looking for healing in the very place where you were wounded? Today's guest believes that one of the greatest acts of self-love is realizing that the person who broke you cannot be the one who heals you. Dr. Najwa Zibian is a best-selling author, educator, speaker, and founder of Soul Academy. Her work has inspired millions around the world to stop abandoning themselves and begin coming home to themselves. Today we're talking about toxic relationships, self-abandonment, emotional healing, and how to reclaim your life without waiting for someone else to change. Please help me welcome to the show, Dr. Najwa Zibian.

SPEAKER_01 3:31

Thank you so much for having me. That's a beautiful intro.

SPEAKER_03 3:34

You're very welcome. Yes, you're very welcome. And practicing for when I have a live audience. So imagine that stops. Awesome. All right. Well, listen, to set the tone for this conversation, I want to start off by talking about your book. Yes. It has such a powerful title and is really, you know, what we're going to be talking about today. Your book is called The One Who Broke You Can't Heal You. So, in order to set the table for the conversation, what inspired you to write this book? And what do you hope readers finally understand after turning the last page?

SPEAKER_01 4:18

My inspiration for this book came both from my own life experiences of constantly waiting for every person who wronged me in my life to give me permission to heal. And I know it sounds weird to say, I'm waiting for them to give me permission. The way we usually do that is we say, unless that person admits what they did to me, unless they know exactly how they hurt me, I can't move forward with my life, you know? And the the mix of going through that, plus getting so many stories, thousands of stories from people over the years of, you know, I was in this relationship and this person cheated on me, they hurt me, they abandoned me after 30 years together and kids in a marriage, they moved on to somebody else as if I never existed. And you just hear all these stories where I can feel the deep pain that the person who's telling me the story is experiencing. And really what they want is to be seen and heard in their pain. And that's how I always felt with every single story in my life, too, where people were really mean and cruel to me, where they backstabbed me, they, they, they turned around and became people that I never thought they would be. And I was just sitting there, kind of like waiting, you know, at a train station for the time when they're gonna arrive and say, Here, you you can come back on the train of life again. It's like you you're stuck in a cage that really isn't a cage, but it's in your mind. And that cage says, I need justice to be served in in some way. I need my pain to be validated in some way. And what we usually, where we usually look for that validation is in the hands of the person who caused the break in the first place. And I want every single person to know that somebody who had the choice and the ability to be good to you, to be kind to you, to be loyal to you, to hold every single piece of you. If they decided to break you, like the reason I wrote the one who broke you is to show the severity of these pains that I'm talking about. Because a lot of people say things like, well, people make mistakes, and I'm not talking about, you know, your partner uh going somewhere for two hours because they need space and and telling you, you know, I I they went to a library or they went to watch a movie, but really they told you, oh, I have work. They did it because they need space. I'm not talking about things like that where you can sit and have a conversation. I'm talking about somebody really betraying you, somebody uh flipping a switch on you where you thought they were somebody for so long and they turned out to be someone else, somebody having an affair on you for years and you never knew, and they gaslighted you throughout it to make you feel like nothing's going on. And I'm talking about somebody breaking you, breaking your image of who you are. If that person is the one that you're waiting for to come back and do the right thing, when they had the chance to do the right thing all those years, all those months, all those moments, you're looking for your healing in the wrong place. Because the one who actually broke you cannot be the one who puts you back together. Because somebody can't be your torturer and your healer at the same time. That actually is the perfect recipe for a trauma bond, where somebody isolates you enough where you feel like you're the only person in the world who can heal me, but you're also the one who's causing me something that I need to heal from. So, to answer your question in a very summarized way, the one who broke you can't heal you came from my own struggles in my own life where I constantly waited for every person who hurt me in a way that was irreversible to come back and pick up the pieces. And from stories of people worldwide doing the same thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:45

Well, you know, it's interesting because I have been broken several times. Um, and um I know, right? Women, we go through it if you live to a certain point in time. You know, I wouldn't say broken, I would say hurt. Um because I bunks back. Because one of the things that me personally have always subscribed to is that you can't make someone love you. So yeah, if if someone is gonna go out there and cheat on you or someone falls in love with another woman, you know what I mean? That's their prerogative because love, there's no guarantees in it. So I've always bounced back, but I've been hurt deeply. Um, but I never actually waited for the person to come and heal me. Because what what what what we're saying here is let's talk about the one that most people get, most women and men get hurt by the most, is an affair, right? And uh one of the reasons I have been hurt deeply because two of those affairs resulted in children, which is a deep, deep hurt for women. I mean, I know so many women that can never get over that particular particular hurt. So um, but to say that I wanted them to come back and say sorry um uh or try to heal me, I'm not understanding why, why, um, why people, what's the psychological need that someone that um you you meant, you you you you had a good example. You've been in a relationship with someone married or a life partner, and you find out that they've been cheating on you for years, and maybe you have a separate family where he's got a mistress over there with some kids or something. That's deeply hurtful. So you tell them to leave, you break up the relationship, and you're saying, okay, I want him to come back and say sorry, and that he didn't mean to do it, because they always tell you that it happened, I was drunk, or something along the lines. So explaining it, you know, using maybe use an example why women need that.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

Well, consider yourself one of the lucky ones if you're the type of person who's able to just say, you know what, my closure was what you did. And that's actually the very first chapter in The One Who Broke You Can't Heal You is titled Closure is a Myth. Stop trying to explain to them. Stop trying to get them to understand exactly how they hurt you. Stop thinking that if I have that last conversation with them, they're gonna understand exactly where they went wrong and come and fix it altogether. And that comes from a poor human need. We want to feel seen in our pain, not just in our pain, we want to feel seen, period, but especially in our pain when we were so isolated in it, where for years, maybe sometimes decades, and sometimes for some people, it is months. And I don't like discounting those experiences just because maybe they're a shorter amount of time. But for the longest time, you saw yourself a certain way, you saw that person as a certain, they have a certain character, they would never hurt me that way, they would never cheat on me, they would never be a completely different person behind my back. But all of a sudden, I found out. And every woman and man who's been through this, you can recognize that moment and how painful it is when you just find out it's like a, you know, uh, it's like a mirror that just shatters. You you think you see clearly, but all of a sudden your whole world is flipped upside down. And to want the apology isn't so much about maybe wanting them back in your life. Sometimes it's just so that they could see how much they hurt you because you think maybe if they see how much they hurt me, then I will have permission to feel how bad that pain was. So one of the very first affirmations I actually have in the one who broke you can't heal you. I think it's within the first few pages, is when you have those moments where you're doubting, where you're waiting for the apology, where you're waiting for them to suffer the way they made you suffer, so that you could get some kind of validation, like, oh, they got their karma, when you're waiting for justice to be served in some way, when you're waiting for everybody around them to see them the way they revealed themselves to be. Because a lot of the times you're the only one who sees that, right? When you catch yourself in those moments, repeat to yourself, I know what happened to me. I lived through it, it was that bad, and I have the right to heal from it. When you can repeat those things to yourself, then you are seeing your own pain. Why would you wait for the person who caused you that pain to admit that they did it? It's probably hard enough for them to admit to themselves that they hurt you in that way. So, again, to summarize, the reason we wait for the apology and validation that they hurt us the way they actually did is because we're human. Because one of our core needs is to feel seen and heard. And what better person to see us and hear us than the person who we thought we knew for so long that would never hurt us in that way? Like there's the there's a quote I see floating around where it says, if the person I first met saw the way you hurt me, like if the person you were when we first met saw the way you hurt me, they would be angry at you. And it's like, you know, it's skits true, right? It's like because people change.

SPEAKER_03 14:53

That's basically what it's saying. People change as the relationship progresses, right?

SPEAKER_01 14:58

Yes, yes, yes, and you have the right to change, but also don't drag people on just because you don't know what you want. And if you do it because you're like, I'm confused and I don't know what I want, I know I don't want to lose you, but at the same time, I know I can't give you what you deserve and what I promised you that I would give you, then at least take accountability for the feelings of the person on the other end who you strung along. You know, two things can be true. Maybe you didn't intend to to hurt the person that you hurt in such a terrible way where they feel completely broken and shattered. And at the same time, you did hurt them in that way. So have the courage to to have some accountability and and give the person who trusted you with their all the, you know, some dignity, like respect them at a human level where you can sit and say, you know what, I really messed up. And so the reason I wrote this book is because so many people who are at the receiving end of the break, the shattering, the hurt, the thing that completely changed their whole life, they're sitting there without any kind of accountability on the other person's part. And they're thinking, how do I move on? Well, you move on by telling yourself, I know what they did, I know what I experienced.

unknown 16:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:31

It's true, it's true. A lot of you know, women, um, yeah, we're we're gonna stick to the, you know, adult, I mean, not necessarily infidelity, because that's usually is the is the biggest pain. Um, but yeah, you're expecting, you know, the person to say they're sorry or it was a mistake or whatever. And I guess when we hear that, we attempt to understand and maybe forgive them. Yes. But um uh but out from your point of view, the the person who broke you can't heal you. Yes. Um I I now I'm understanding the concept because let's say that someone, you know, hurt you and they come and apologize, and it says, but you know, it wouldn't happen again, and it was a weak moment, and there was that or whatever, but I really do love you, right? That gives you some kind of you know closure to it. It doesn't actually happen, but you know, it starts the process of maybe understanding, and I understand what you're saying. So to continue this conversation, you're saying that even if that scenario happened, you can't be healed by that. Is that what you're saying? Are you looking for daily immune support without the pills? Let me introduce you to Immune from Grooms. They are sour pineapple gummies packed with vitamins, minerals, and botanicals designed to support immune health, stress, resilience, and overall wellness before you feel run down. So, what makes immune different? They are packed with comprehensive 13 in one blend with vitamin C, zinc, D3, B vitamins, elderberry, ostewagon, turmeric, ginger, fiber, and more. Designed to work together, not rely on one hero ingredient. They're designed for daily use with balanced vitamin C, 200 milligrams, zinc, 15 milligrams, for consistent long-term immune support, not megadoses meant for emergencies. And they have stress support for aptogens like ashwagonda and holy basil. These help address everyday stress, a key factor that can weaken your immune system. So, who is immune for? Anyone who wants to stay well before things go downhill, especially people who deal with busy schedules and everyday stress, which is all of us, or you travel, you're commuting, and you're exposed to germs, you know, in the airplanes or seasonal dips in wellness. Do you always get the flu during flu season? So if you're ready to improve your immunity, click the link in the show notes for a coupon code and let's start building up your immunity.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

Well, I think that conversation can take part in your healing, right? Okay, but ultimately what's really going to heal you is you deciding to feel the pain of what they did to you. So I'm gonna give you a very realistic example, okay, that's gonna help with this in perspective. We talk about the analogy of someone backstabbing you, right? So I need every person listening to think about it this way. If you deeply trusted your partner and to the point where you allow them to actually stand behind you, that takes a great level of trust to let somebody out of your sight be in a position where they could hurt you, but you're not hyper alert that they will, because you trust them. And that person who figuratively grabbed a knife and stuck it in your back, or literally did that, imagine that. If they were to tell you, oh, I did it because I wasn't feeling a connection between us, I did it because I was weak and something was wrong with me, and I'm really sorry. I did it because I, you know, I was so tempted by somebody else, and I'm so dumb, and I really want to fix this. Or if they did it and then just walked away and pretended like nothing happened, you still have a knife in your back. You still have to get yourself to the nearest hospital and give yourself the help that you need. So whether a person comes and apologizes or not, your healing doesn't happen just because they apologize for the thing they did. You need to heal from the thing they did. So I think a common misconception about my work is that I'm telling people, you know. Oh, there's no second chances. And if somebody hurt you, then that's it. It's the end. Apologies don't mean anything. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is the apology isn't what's going to heal you. It could help you understand, but you still have to heal that wound that they cost puts in you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 22:21

That's good. That's good. That was an excellent analogy, too. Thank you. Excellent analogy. Someone coming and apologizing, you still have the knife in your back, right? And yes, whether they're sorry, they put it there. It's just like you go in debt row and you see all these people that are there for murder, right? And they're sorry, but the person is still dead, right? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 22:44

Yes. And I and I have to say, with the example you brought up with infidelity, because you're right. Most of these issues, uh, most of the the women that come to you or that come to me will say it's an infidelity issue. And I want people who've been through that and who've gotten the apology and who chose to stay to be honest with themselves. Were you actually the same person after the infidelity in that relationship? Even though you received the apology, could you actually erase from your mind that the person you were with decided to go behind your back and be with somebody else? And I guarantee you, 100% of the people listening will say, no. So just because you gave me the apology, it doesn't mean that the damage you did didn't change me in some way, you know.

SPEAKER_03 23:36

Yes, yes. I'm speaking from experience.

SPEAKER_01 23:39

There you go.

SPEAKER_03 23:40

Yeah, I'm speaking for experience. You know, you learn to live with it. Um, you maybe even forgive, but you certainly don't forget. And the relationship does change, right? Yes, right, right, yes, yes, good. So that was a great way to set the tone for a conversation. Now, um, let's continue on this vein. So let's say that somebody came back and they apologized, the knife is still in your back, um uh, but you don't want to leave, right? So um one of the hardest questions people ask themselves is if if this relationship hurts so much, why can't I leave? So, what in your um work is really happening psychologically and emotionally that keeps people attached to relationships that are clearly unhealthy? So, this is just an extension of our of our the last question, the conversation, because you're right. In this day and age, a lot of women are choosing to stay because fidelity, we're gonna beat this one to the bone, infidelity has become almost normal. So people are deciding to stay. You're right, they've changed maybe for the better or for the worse, but there's definitely a change, and some women choose to ignore it. So, what's going on psychologically that you've found that people stay in relationships that are unhealthy?

SPEAKER_01 25:02

Well, uh to begin with, I don't think people choose to stay in a toxic relationship. I think people choose to stay in a relationship that they thought was something and they're continuing to hold on to the hope that it could be that thing that it was in the past. It's the hope for the future. I don't think anybody says, I'm choosing to be abused, I'm choosing to be lied to, I'm choosing to be cheated on. What you're choosing is hope. What you're choosing is the past, what you're choosing is the future. You're not choosing this terrible period of time that you're going through right now. I think people sometimes can't look past the relationship. They think I can't survive out of it. And what tends to happen with these toxic relationships is you'll enter them feeling very strong and confident, like you know who you are, you know what you would never accept. But bit by bit, your self-esteem is eroded. Your sense of who you are, your understanding of the world around you, your ability to decipher between right and wrong. I deserve to be treated that way, I don't deserve to be treated that way, gets eroded bit by bit over time. So by the time you're in a position where you're you're broken in that really terrible way, where maybe, like you said, somebody cheated on you, or maybe you find out that they've been taking loans in your name and you had no idea, they ruined you financially, or they they have a completely different persona outside of your relationship that that really is not the person that you fell in love with. By that point, after your self-esteem has been eroded, your sense of who you are and your understanding of the world around you has been eroded, your ability to tell between right and wrong has been eroded. You're not choosing to stay with the same sound, strong, confident character that you had when you entered the relationship. Now you're much more weak and you're much more vulnerable, and you can't see past it. It's your survival mode, right? So if what's become familiar to you is the toxicity, the chaos, the drama, the the highs and lows of you lied to me and you apologize and you cheated on me and you you you came back telling me you're my ride or die, you're my person, the highs and lows of you're nice to me one day and you're not nice to me the other day. It's like it becomes like uh uh intermittent reinforcement where I'm gonna be nice to you at some point, but I'm not gonna tell you when, and you're not gonna be able to predict it. And you're gonna try 10 times and I'm gonna be cruel to you, and maybe the 11th time I'm nice to you, but you're gonna keep trying hard to get that validation. So if that has become your familiar, and if that was your familiar growing up, you know how to survive it. So, this is one thing I talk about in the one who broke you can't heal you, where I say a lot of the times we say, better the devil, you know. I know how to survive the toxicity, I know how to survive the drama. I know that they're gonna go through a month where their mind is elsewhere, they might be thinking about somebody else, they're this, they're that. But I know that at the end of that month, they're gonna come back to me. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I know how to get through these tough times. And so the thing I say, and the one who broke You Can't Heal You is why don't we stop saying better the devil you know, and say, better the peace I don't know yet, better the love I don't know yet.

SPEAKER_03 28:56

I like that, right?

SPEAKER_01 28:57

Better the the beauty and the the pure connection, I don't know yet, better the drama-free environment, the the cheating-free environment, the abuse-free environment, I don't know yet. If my familiar has been all of those really terrible things for so long, and just because I learned how to survive them, it doesn't mean that I can't learn how to survive all the great things that I really want. It's it's weird, isn't it? Because after surviving so much negativity, you're afraid of being able to survive the great things. It's like you've been surviving, right?

SPEAKER_03 29:40

That's the catch on your own. Yes. People thinking, what happened if I don't find another person? I can't live. Yeah, listen, as a coach, I I have these relationships that people come in to talk to me. Oh, I can't be alone. When I'm alone, I'm so depressed. So I have to put up with this bad treatment, but that's really that's really wrong, right?

SPEAKER_01 30:03

Yes. It's and and we know this on a logical level, right? Like that's why we're having this conversation. Is a lot of people know that it's better to be alone and build your own life than it is to be in a relationship with someone, but feel lonely even when you're with them and feel like you're constantly being let down and disappointed, and you don't know what the next bad thing is gonna happen. Logically, we know it. So, back to your question why do we stay? We stay because of the hope. We stay because of the fear we have of what might come after. Like, who's gonna want to be with me? But the thing is, you've gotten to a point as a result of this relationship where you feel so weak and you feel like nobody's ever gonna want to talk to you and like you have nothing to offer. And the truth is, when you leave that toxic environment, the loneliness is required for you to spend enough time with yourself to figure out who the hell you are because you clearly forgot who you are. Yeah, and once you remember, then you remember the things about you that make you so unique. And whether you end up meeting someone or not, that's not the bar for success, whether somebody wants to be with you or not. And do you want to be with you? Do you enjoy your time? Do you enjoy your life? And I'm not saying it to say I don't understand how hard it is to be in a relationship for so long and then not be in one. That is really tough. But if you want, you have one life to live, and if you you really want that life to be full of as much love and purpose as possible, your two options are you either want to stay with this person who has shown you repeatedly that they're never changing, they're gonna fall through the same patterns, they're gonna always end up making you feel the same way they've always made you feel. You're either gonna choose that just to say that you're with someone. And truthfully speaking, like if you're honest with yourself, is that the type of person you want to be loved by? Yeah. Like be honest with yourself about that question. If looking at their character, do you really care if they see that you're worthy of love or not? Sometimes it's our need to feel validated that we deserve to be chosen by someone that keeps us. But is that the person you want to be chosen by? If you could step out of your house right now, wherever you're living, if I told you that there's gonna be a person out there who's who loves you, who respects you, who wants a life with you, who wants to experience all the good things with you, would you stay with the person that you're with? You probably would say no.

SPEAKER_03 33:00

No, no, right, yes. But there's no guarantees, and you're right. Um, there is a possibility that you will be alone for the rest of your life, and you have to you have to consider that. You have to wait the options, you know, is being in this relationship where, you know, it depletes me because when you're in that kind of relationship, it depletes you. You're never really at full capacity because you're always having to worry with the other person, right? Um but yeah, and I mean that goes on to the next question I have here about self-abandonment. But yeah, once you choose yourself and you're happy and fulfilled, you become a beacon. People notice you and and you people are drawn to you because your energy changes. But even if you, you know, I'm I'm at the age, I'm much older than you, and I'm at the age where I I have a group of women that um we hang out, you know, and and follow a band and we go dancing. And 90% of those women are alone, either because their husbands died, divorced, or whatever, they're in their 60s, their third chapter, and they they don't have a relationship and they find relationships with other women and enjoy themselves and go on cruises and go and retreats and go, but yes, because that's what you do when you get yourself back, right? Yes, and you're not in this toxic relationship where, you know, you know, my pastor is talking about relationships where people in marriages and their husband don't even like them, right? We're gonna, yeah, exactly the other way too. But yeah, we're women and we're that's our experience, and that's what we're gonna talk about. But yeah, you're in relationships where the man is not even seeing you, is not validating you in any way, and and treating you like crap and doesn't even like you, and you stay and you make excuses, oh, it's because of the kids or because of whatever, and I wouldn't survive on my own financial reasons and all those things. But you're right. If you're brave enough to say to yourself, right, um uh I want peace and I want joy and God is gonna provide and you know, all these different things, you will make the move, right? Yeah, you will make the move. It's fear that's keeping you stuck, really.

SPEAKER_01 35:15

Exactly. Fear of what could come next and whether you're gonna be able to survive it. And also, but what if I stay a little bit longer and then they become the person who I've always been wanting? And there's that fear of like, if I leave, they're gonna meet somebody else and they're gonna give them everything that I've wanted. And it's like, be honest with yourself. They are who they are, they're not changing. If they could change, they would change whether you're right, yes, yes, and you're right.

SPEAKER_03 35:42

If they go on to another woman, you say to yourself, Well, good for her, because he's gonna bring the same thing that he was here. You maybe gonna be nice for a little bit, and then it's gonna be the same thing because you're right, your core person and your core character is not gonna change, you're just gonna pretend for a couple months and then he's gonna go right back. So you're saying, Well, let her have him.

SPEAKER_01 36:02

Exactly. If that's their character, character doesn't change, you know. We always say take them with them, right? Yes, yes. We always say, you know, actions speak louder than words. And in the one who broke you can't heal you. I said it's true, actions do speak louder than words, but what speak louder than actions is character. Yeah, you know, somebody could do all these great things and show you that they you they're a man of their word, and then the the first at the first glimpse of of any kind of tension or any tough time that you go through, that's what shows you who they are. How do they handle stress? How do they handle feeling insecure because of your success? How do they handle feeling, you know, oh, maybe you have so many options, and I'm just one of them when really you're not making them feel that way. How do they handle their own insecurities? That's what shows you who a person is. And I've said this before, and I'll say it again, and I will die on this hill. Somebody who hurt you that badly, however that way was, has hurt many people before you that badly, and they will continue to hurt many people the next person.

SPEAKER_03 37:19

Yeah, because you're right, it's their character, it's who they are. And uh, even throwing around sayings, one of the sayings that came down from my grandparents um is that um uh if you squeeze an orange, you you know, you can't get I love that something under there. So pressure, you know, it shows you who somebody is. You're very right.

SPEAKER_01 37:40

Yeah, exactly. The whole like, well, you pushed me for this to come. It's like, well, if I pushed you, whatever's inside of you would be. This idea is gonna come out.

SPEAKER_03 37:49

Yep, exactly. So, yes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Yes, and that is saying, amazing, amazing, excellent conversation. And it's helping, you know, I'm sure it's helping a lot of people that are listening to this. Now, one of the ideas that really stood out to me is self-abandonment. Many people don't even realize that they're doing it. What are some of the subtle signs that we've stopped choosing ourselves in order to keep someone else comfortable?

SPEAKER_01 38:17

Yes. It doesn't matter how well you've become at self-abandoning, you're always aware that you're doing something wrong. There's something inside of you that tells you this doesn't feel right. I am changing who I am for somebody else. I am letting them stomp all over my boundaries. I am putting somebody else's needs above mine. When you feel like your whole existence has become around that person and their mood, and you have a good day only if they're having a good day, and you have a terrible day when they're having a terrible day, those are signs that your needs have become uh such a low priority on your own list that all you're really thinking about is how are they feeling and what can I do to make them feel better. If there isn't a moment that goes by in your day where you ask yourself, what would make me happy right now? What's something I can do for myself that will make me feel better? And I don't mean what's something that could help me recover from all this people pleasing that I did all day, like a bath or a walk. I'm not talking about the recovery. I'm talking, do you ever say to yourself, what's one thing that would really bring me joy right now? Because if you don't, then that's a huge sign that you're spending much of most of your time being there for other people, being the punching bag, being the sponge that absorbs all the stress. If you feel like you have a hard time being creative, like and thinking outside the box and your work, that doesn't come out of nowhere. When, and and this is not just woo-woo talk, when your body is so consumed with just surviving, and if you've attached your survival to making sure that everybody around you is happy and pleased, your your main concern is what can I do to make them feel better so that I could feel like I'm useful. But when your body's not in survival, it's not only concerned with survival. That's when you can engage in creativity and coming up with new ideas for things you want to do and something you want to change around the house. And that's how our bodies work when we're fixated on how to genuinely just survive in the relationship. We can't do anything for ourselves, we have to abandon ourselves.

SPEAKER_03 40:50

Yeah. Yeah. Our mind is is is basically filled with um uh yeah, there's one of my relationships told that to me one time in a good way. He says, you know, I think of you all day that I'm I can't do anything else. So it's the same thing when your mind is filled with um uh how can I please someone, or how, you know, how do I make sure that this stays right or whatever? You're right. There's no there's no time for yourself or creativity or yes, you know, uh planning something for the kids or or something along those lines, because you yeah, your brain can only hold so much when he has so much capacity.

SPEAKER_01 41:32

And also, here's a here's a good question to ask yourself. Um, think of the people that you try so hard to please, and ask yourself, have they actually ever been pleased with me?

SPEAKER_03 41:45

Wow, that's a powerful.

SPEAKER_01 41:49

That's powerful, yes, because if you could please them, you would have pleased them by now. But you're on this hamster wheel of trying, trying, trying, trying. You get close enough, but not quite there yet.

SPEAKER_03 42:03

That's a good one because it's true. Yes, you know, the the they're they're not really appreciating anything you do anyway. So you're really not pleasing them because they're in a different framework, right? Yeah, and the framework is not you.

SPEAKER_01 42:17

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 42:18

The framework is not you. Wow. This is helping someone. All right, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:26

Like it's helping me.

SPEAKER_03 42:27

Yeah, yeah. It's it's helping someone, right? That's listening because like you know what? This is something that happens a lot. It's not isolated, it happens a lot. So it's, you know, um, it's it's reaching people. A lot of women are suffering, um, not so much men, but some of them are too. Um, all right, so let's talk about pain. I mean, uh, and this is a question that, you know, therapists would also tell you the same thing. You know, healing requires feeling the pain rather than trying to avoid it. And most of us spend years distracting ourselves because feeling those emotions is terrifying. Yeah. So, what is allowing ourselves to experience the pain, the grief, the anger, disappointment, and loss? Is it actually the doorway to our freedom? Because that's what you know you you talk about in your book.

SPEAKER_01 43:18

Yes. Feeling your pain is the ultimate goal. Because when you push it down, it makes you sick, it makes you bitter, it makes you numb, it makes you have a hard time experiencing joy. Because to experience joy, like joy and pain are at opposite ends. And if you can't feel the pain, you can't feel the joy. So you find that middle ground of being numb and indifferent, where you don't notice the little things that would make you happy because you're not able to tap into the mountains of pain that you've piled up over the years. And that's the whole point of the book. The one who broke you can heal you, only you can by feeling the pain, by validating the pain, by having a conversation with it. And here's the thing that happens when you give yourself permission to feel the pain. And I'll give a genuine example. So let's say somebody cheated on you, and it's been two weeks, or it's been months, or it's been over a year, and you're reminded of the experience, and you feel this anger bubbling up from inside of you. If you were raised in a way that made you believe that anger is a negative emotion, you're gonna push it down and say, I'm not somebody who gets angry. I'm not gonna let what they did make me feel this way. I'm not gonna let them bring me down. On top of the pain they caused, I'm gonna feel angry. No, I'm not. But what you're doing is stopping a very natural emotion that anger serves to protect you. Anger doesn't serve to make you a bad person. Anger tells you, hey, something wrong was done to you. And you have the right to be upset over it. And so when you give yourself permission to be angry, whether it's through words or just the literal way of feeling that anger, if you were to close your eyes and drop into your body when you're feeling that anger and you ask yourself, where am I feeling it? For me, anger comes up in my chest and it comes up in my arms because there's a part of me that wants to fight the fight that I didn't fight when you know I found out that thing that terribly hurt me, that terribly broke me. So I feel it there. And when you're able to just let that anger it somehow move through your body and see, like, what is it that I feel like doing that would help me? Is it extending my arms out? Is it um is it giving myself a hug? Is it how do I soothe that pain? How do I soothe that anger? Maybe it's speaking out loud to a trusted friend or to a therapist and saying, I don't deserve that, I never deserve that. I did everything for this person. I give your anger a voice to be, you know, heard by in some way, because that's the only way that you're going to feel like you've given yourself the validation that you so badly wanted from them or from the people around them or from the world in general, just the the vindication that you actually were the victim of something really terrible. When you feel the anger, you feel the sadness, you feel the frustration, you feel the hopelessness, like they did all of that to me. How am I ever going to trust somebody new? When you actually come in touch with those emotions and you tell your body, you know what? I know this was painful, and I know you're trying to protect me by stopping me from diving deeply into those emotions. But actually, the only way for me to move forward and not attach my worth to the way that people treat me is for me to tell myself what they did was terrible, and I can still move on from it. I can trust new people. But this time, if this new person shows me any sign, any red flag that they might hurt me in that way, instead of taking it as a sign to try harder, I'm gonna take it as a sign to stop. Instead of seeing it as a yellow light where I need to slow down, I'm gonna see it as a red light. So that's it's a full circle moment where you're you're being completely human by feeling the pain, and you're not taking it as a sign of weakness, you're taking it as a sign of like, wow, this really terrible thing happened to me, and I'm actually healing from it. I'm actually uh not letting it get take more power from me than it already did. And and I challenge you, look at every person in your life that you've encountered who's so avoidant and who doesn't have the ability to talk about feelings and who doesn't have the ability to uh when they're going through something to to express themselves, how miserable are they?

SPEAKER_03 48:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:23

So how miserable would you become if every single time an emotion came up, you pushed it down because you don't feel those emotions. And if you look at research, look at Dr. Gabor Mate's work, he will tell you that you are much more likely to develop an autoimmune disease if you actually push it down and you don't express yourself. Right, because the opposite of expression is repression, and what happens when you're repressing something, it's gonna explode at some point.

SPEAKER_03 48:54

Yeah, yes, yes, that is good, right? Yeah, so yeah, feel your anger, feel you know, your you know, all the emotions and um let it come through you. Yes, and I like you what you said, it's a doorway because that's how you be you begin to heal, you let it out instead of pushing it down in. And and and also the other thing is a lot of women, it's probably a good point to say this right now. A lot of women, when they're hurt, feel there's something wrong with them, and we have to let them know there's nothing wrong with you, there's something wrong with the person. You know, I I I talk about whether it's childhood trauma or whether it's you know, um uh someone abandoning you or hurting you or cheating on you or betraying you or stabbing you in the back, any of those ways, yes, right? You people naturally go is because something is wrong with me and I made them do it, or they obviously sometimes the gaslighters tell you, oh, you made me do it, it's your fault, kind of thing. No, it's their fault, right? And you've got to feel that no, don't take that blame, don't put it on you. And that's probably why a lot of people don't want to feel angry because they're feeling that maybe they caused it in some way and whatever.

SPEAKER_01 50:09

But exactly, yes, you know, there's uh there's the book by Oprah, and uh, I think it's Dr. Perry that's called reading it right now.

SPEAKER_03 50:20

What happened to you, right?

SPEAKER_01 50:22

And and I've said before it's easier for them to believe that something is wrong with you than it is for them to believe that something wrong happened to you. Yeah, yeah. And you have to really sit with that. You know what you went through, you don't need anybody's validation that you went through it, you lived through it. That's your biggest witness.

SPEAKER_03 50:42

Yes, yes, exactly. So, yeah, we just had to put that out there. Right. So, um, so for someone that's listening right now who realizes I'm in a relationship that's costing me my peace, what are the first three steps they can take this week to begin reclaiming themselves?

SPEAKER_01 51:06

If a relationship is costing you your peace and you're aware of that, the first question you need to ask yourself is what price am I willing to stay to pay to stay in this relationship? Am I willing to pay my peace just to say I am chosen by this person? Okay. The second thing that you need to do is define for yourself what peace looks like and compare it to your current situation and ask yourself, am I receiving this list of things that brings me peace? And if the answer is I'm not getting any of this, then that gives you another answer. It kind of reminds your body, like when you make a list of all the character traits that you want in your partner, and you ask yourself, um, does my partner have all of these traits? And if every single one is a no, you're like, okay, I'm really with the wrong person. And number three, ask yourself, what resources do I have that when I do leave this relationship, those supports and resources will help me not relapse back into the toxicity. Because uh deciding to leave is one thing, but staying gone is another. And many of us will go back because we haven't built that support system. So tap into it. If it's uh if it's getting a therapist, then get a therapist and start working with that therapist. If it's rekindling your broken relationships and friendships with other people, then start rekindling those. You know, the moment you recognize you're in a really bad relationship that's taking your peace isn't usually the moment that you decide to leave. And in between the time that you make that realization, the time you actually decide to leave, there is work that can be done. What price am I willing to pay? What does peace look like for me? And am I actually receiving it? And you already know that the answer is no, but writing it down, just like writing down a mathematical equation, helps you solve it. You can't just write it in your head. You have to write it out. It does something for you. And then number three, what are the available resources and supports that I can get for myself that will help empower me to leave and stay gone?

SPEAKER_03 53:32

Yeah, yeah, that's right. Because, and that's you know, it's good to touch on that because a lot of women um are not financially secure enough to just walk through the door when they feel like it. So touching on getting the resources is is actually a good one. Um, yeah, yeah. So it's pretty good to write it down and and and understand. Um, and and even if you have to downsize, you know, maybe you live in a nice big house right now, and you know, but you've got to go live in a condo. I mean, it's still better than than staying in that big house and it has no joy, right?

SPEAKER_01 54:10

You can downsize the material things to upsize the soul things, and I think that's a great trade-off.

SPEAKER_03 54:17

Yes, upsize your peace and joy, yes, and downsize the material things, right? Yes, okay, amazing. Well, this has been a good conversation. So before we go, um, tell our listeners about your new book, The One Who Broke Me Can't Broke You Can't Heal You. Nice, yes, it's a beautiful cover. It's a simple cover, right? She's showing a copy of her book here for those of you um listening on audio. Right. Where can they find it and where can they connect with you and learn more about Soul Academy Academy and your work? Yes. So we talk a lot about your book right throughout the conversation. So now you can talk about your your um Soul Academy work.

SPEAKER_01 55:02

Yeah. So first of all, the one who broke you can't heal you will be out August 25th. So if you're listening to this before it's out, you can pre-order it. That really helps. And if not, you can order it as you're listening to this. I also narrate the audiobook myself. So if you enjoy listening to me, you can get that as well. And Soul Academy has my main core course, which is on letting go, which would really help you. But at this point, if you feel like you're experiencing a toxic relationship of any sort, not just um, I know this was on romantic relationships, but I also talk about friendships and family and workspaces and how you can break those toxic bonds in your life, then read The One Who Broke You Can't Heal You. And I also have my podcast, Beyond Words, where people can listen to multiple episodes. I think we're over 50 episodes now, all about healing and moving forward with your life and just reframing the way you look at the way that people have hurt you. And instead of blaming yourself for the harm that was done to you, being able to call it what it is and saying to yourself, I didn't deserve that, and I actually can get what it is that I'm looking for.

SPEAKER_03 56:24

Yeah, it's good. I'm glad you touched on friendships and all that. I just closed out a friendship that I've had for over 20 years. And wow. I didn't and I didn't really bring it up because you know, the question I had here in closure about why, uh, because we talked about it, so I didn't actually really ask it. But yeah, I mean, uh, and and we had full closure. And I felt I feel so really good about it because over the over the years we've been, you know, stopping talking and stopping talking and all that. And and then all of a sudden realized, you know what? We we have we have um progressed um past what we were in 2000, because that's when this relationship started. It's now 26 years later, and uh it's been tumultuous. It was a girlfriend, but yes, it is um uh it's not only for and she didn't hurt me or anything like that. It was just, you know, whatever girlfriends go through, and uh, we wrote each other nice little notes and closed it out.

SPEAKER_01 57:25

Yeah, well, you know, that that that was a nice ending of a chapter in your life. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 57:31

And and and you know what, you know, we were we didn't, you know, expand on on closure a lot, but I felt good about closure because without that closure, we will be getting back into relationship and it'll last a couple of months and then we're back again. But we close it out very nicely, and I'm like done, right? So, you know, um but that's really good. But yes, um, so I'm glad that you know, we're not only talking about romantic relationships because girlfriends um are and and and boyfriends and or whatever um can still hurt you by um people ghost you and abandon you and you know, all these different things that they do now. Infidelity is with intimate relationships, but there's other ways that people hurt you, stab you in the back, right? As you your your analogy um worked. So, yes, very good. I will definitely listen to your book. I love I consume my books on um Audible, so I will definitely um listen to your book. Um, I will have a link to um uh Najwa's um website and her podcast and her book in the show notes so that you can follow and get some more information because we all know that even though we're talking about it within 45 minutes or an hour or what, you know, it's it's only gonna start the conversation in your head. What you're gonna need to move forward is get some more data, get some more information, get some more courage. So, yes, listen to the podcast, reading the book, you know, um uh um uh, you know, reaching out and following her on social media, all those things will help you become more prepared. So let's get your information.

SPEAKER_01 59:17

What is your um website? It's newzavian.com. So just my first name last name.com. Okay. Yes. And then my social media is all also my first name, last name, just at Nezubian.

SPEAKER_03 59:34

All right. So yeah, so you guys will definitely need to go in the show notes to get that because I know you can't spell it. So I will link out to it so yeah, so that you can follow her on um social media. She's got a quite a large following on there. So awesome, awesome, awesome. All right. Well, listen, thank you guys for joining another episode of the Transform Your Mind, the Transform Real Life podcast and um radio and television show. If today's conversation encouraged you, share it with someone who may be struggling to let go of a relationship that keeps them from healing. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is remind someone that their healing doesn't depend on another person's apology. Again, Najel made that very clear in this conversation. It begins with choosing themselves. So if you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with your friends. It helps us bring more life-changing conversations like this one to people around the world. So, uh Najwa, as we wrap up, any last words?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:38

I mean, always remember the person who had you poll who was willing to do everything in their power to hurt you in the way that they did, in the way where you felt like you were in the rubble of the pain, isn't the one who's gonna put you back together and you are.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:57

Beautiful, beautiful. Thank you. Yeah, and there's one clear message from this conversation. It's that don't sit around waiting for an apology, don't sit around waiting for it's nice to get an apology, it's nice to know that maybe they didn't mean it, right? Which always makes us feel good, but don't wait for that apology or anything for your healing because it can't. It can't. It's just it's just a fallacy.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:22

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:23

Yes. All right, Najwala, I enjoyed our conversation. Um, thank you so much for being on the show. Um, thank you guys for tuning in to this episode. Um, until next time, Namaste.