SPEAKER_02 0:01

Hey guys, are you ready to transform your mind so you can transform your life? Coach Weird brings you one-on-one coaching and expert guest quickly to get you to grow. Because happiness is the progressive realization of a worthy old.

SPEAKER_06 0:18

Looking for personal growth? Let's do it. Today, brands don't just have an awareness problem, they have a trust problem. People are overwhelmed by ads, skeptical of marketing, and craving something real. So let us tell your story in a way that actually resonates. Brands partner with the Transform Your Mind Podcast because this isn't just advertising, it's trusted influence. Our audience is deeply engaged in healing, mindset, faith, and personal growth. And they are actively supporting brands that align with their transformation journey. Your brand is featured through a CEO or expert interview that positions you as a thought leader, host red pre-roll, and mid-roll ads woven naturally into other episodes and long-term visibility across our full media ecosystem. Explore brand partnerships, visit myhelps.us slash partner. That is m s dot us partner. So on that train of thought, um uh, you know, what do you think are some of the wounds that people carry most commonly into marriages? You know, they they have unhealed wounds that are not healed, and then they they get divorced and then they go into another marriage, and you know, the statistics, right? 50% for the first one, 70% for the second one. And it's mainly because you know, you're taking you. You might have blamed, you know, um uh a spouse for something they did and that ended the relationship, and it wasn't you that did it, but you taking that hurt and you're taking that wound and you're taking it into another relationship. So as I ask that question, I think that I have an answer. But what what do you think is your answer? What is the most common wound that people carry into a marriage?

SPEAKER_03 2:26

I I think you answered the question in your in your uh very well. I think a lot of probably the most hurtful, longer lasting, most impactful wound are those from our past. And what it could be a wound from our past when it was a childhood who was abused. It could be a wound from the past when my father or mother never said I love you. Or it would there was no emotional nurturing, but it was just get, you know, here I I bought the food, cooked the food, work, you know, be happy. Yeah, and so so so we we grow to to not have that part nurtured that really helps us to be whole and heal and to feel good about who we are, and that is what comes really from the parental unit, as our daughter always says, when we're the parental unit. Yes, right, yeah. And so that doesn't happen all the time. And a lot and a lot of reasons for that. So this is not a blame statement, it's just truth. And there's and a lot of times when we work with couples and we go back into their history, we find a lot of pain.

SPEAKER_06 3:41

Welcome back to the Transform Your Mind to Transform Your Life radio podcast and television show. I'm your host, Life Coach Minnie Young, and today on this show, we're talking about something that can make or break every relationship in our lives: emotional maturity. My guests today are Terry and Carol Moss, relationship coaches and founders of One Flesh Ministries. After experiencing divorce, abuse, identity loss, they rebuild their lives and now they have spent nearly 20 years helping individuals and couples heal emotional wounds and build healthier relationships. They're also the authors of Hold You Before Two, which teaches that emotional wholeness is the foundation for thriving relationships. All right, I agree wholeheartedly. I concur. So let's dive into our conversation today. So um um, I'll start off with you, Terry. What exactly is emotional maturity and how can someone recognize if they're operating from emotional immaturity?

SPEAKER_03 4:54

Oh, great question. Well, you just jump right to it, don't you?

SPEAKER_06 4:57

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:58

I love it. I love it. We're we're gonna set the table here, right? All right, all right. So so we define two things in there. One, we define emotional wholeness, and then underneath that, emotional maturity. So just as a brief, so emotional wholeness, we looks at we look at that as kind of the whole. It's when you are uh your emotional, your spiritual, and your relational life all aligned and are grounded and uh growing. So so that's emotional wholeness. It's that whole of us uh that when we bring that into a relationship, it just makes it all different. Emotional wholeness, a part of that emotional maturity piece, starts with knowing who I am. It's knowing who you are, loving who you are. Then you can walk authentically in any space. So that's the basics of emotional wholeness and emotional maturity as we see it and how it's defined in the book that you referenced.

SPEAKER_05 6:02

Yes, that is.

SPEAKER_06 6:04

So, Carol, I'm gonna circle back a question at you. As Terry was talking, um it just popped into my head, which is why, you know, I I love um uh the going back and forth on the show. But I remember something that Jane Fonda said a while back, and she said that she becomes a chameleon. I think I heard it not only from her, but someone else that's uh you know famous, that they become a chameleon. So whatever the other person is, they become. So as Terry talked about knowing who you are, so if you know who you are, you know, does that prevent you from becoming a chameleon?

SPEAKER_05 6:43

Absolutely, absolutely. So I was thinking when Terry was talking about that emotional wholeness and that it's in alignment with your mind, your heart, your soul. And so it's no longer in war with each other, you're not conflicted at all. So absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 7:03

And one and one thing that you would ask, and I just thought I did probably didn't answer it, is how do you know if you are emotional, mature or immature? And so let's start with the the negative part, the immaturity piece, which we call that silent saboteur that kind of rests inside of people and then relationships. But when you are um reactive rather than a responsive, when you blame others, or you always, hey, uh blame shift or put put, you know, it's not my fault. You made me do it. When you are operating kind of in that context, that's operating from emotional immaturity. So emotional maturity is when you are you are in touch with who you are and your emotions. And so you don't just react, you you you have that ability to pause, reflect. Okay, where is this coming from? All right, I see that. That's not their fault. This is me. This is something from my past, this is something that I never healed from. And now you're able to respond in a more healthy way.

SPEAKER_05 8:09

Absolutely. And therefore, you don't show up and become a chameleon because you show up as who you are, because you know who you are, you like who you are, and you live authentically as to who you are in every space you're in.

SPEAKER_06 8:25

Yeah, that's true. Now, something else popped into my mind. One of my marriages, I've had a few. Um, we had the we had the sand ceremony, and the sand ceremony is when you pour sand into a glass, and basically it says that you are you're blending in this glass, but you remain individual people. And that's always been one of my strengths because I know who I am, and I'm very firm in my beliefs. And you can have your own beliefs and you can have your own opinion, but I'm not gonna become a chameleon. So I know who I am.

SPEAKER_05 9:00

And when the thing about the sand ceremony, which is so good, is you choose two colors, which is two people who align and show beautifully together. So when you pour the sand, then I still stand out as my pink, but then I match good with that blue, but we come together. And that green is that green then, or is it supposed to be green?

SPEAKER_06 9:23

No, it makes purple. Yeah, so it's it's true. So if we want to summarize that, um, yes, you remain, you're coming into a relationship whole, so which means that you're not gonna become a chameleon, you are you are not gonna, you know, blame something that that happens in the relationship. You're able to stand and say, you know what, this was not my fault, or this was my fault, and I do something about it because you're coming from a place of a wholeness. And if we were gonna put a bow on the sand ceremony, it's in marriages or in relationships, you they say that to become one, I think the Bible says that to become one, but to become one, but you're still individually whole people just operating in one bucket, right?

SPEAKER_03 10:16

I like to say it this way um, it's oneness, but it's not sameness.

SPEAKER_06 10:22

Like that. I like that.

SPEAKER_03 10:24

So we're not the same people, but when we learn how to operate collectively and as a unit, that's how you become one. Yeah, you don't one physically, you become one metaphysically, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 10:37

And so normally during our conferences, we will do an illustration, and I love it because I'm a visual person. It's like when we come together and we tie our leg together and you do that three-legged race, right? If you're trying to, I'm trying to go my way, Terry trying to go his way, we're not aligned and we're not gonna be able to move forward, but we're still individuals. So when we tie ourselves together, we have to learn how to walk together as who I am and as who he is. That's a good illustration.

SPEAKER_03 11:06

That's a real good illustration. Also, made me think of something else. When we talk about wholeness, it isn't just when you're in a connection, it's before the connection. That's why whole view before two before two, you can do it, you can make a better decision about that other person, whether it is uh a healthy situation emotionally, and or is it going to be are we going to be aligned? Are we going to be connected, or is there always gonna be a battle?

SPEAKER_06 11:36

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. You've got to be, yeah, you've got to be whole before you get into a relationship because if you don't, there's so much stuff that gets unpacked there. So much stuff. Yeah. So, all right. So one of the things that um, you know, people that are in a dating game or even, you know, serial relationships or marriages or whatever, they find that they keep um attracting the same kind of relationship over and over again. So why do unhealthy patterns really um repeat in relationships, according to you guys' research?

SPEAKER_03 12:17

Um primarily because we don't deal with the patterns. We don't we don't look at the patterns, we look at what happened, not what's happening. And so we focus on an event or a situation and we and we talk around that, or but we don't stop and look at what's the repeating conflicts, what keeps coming up? What are the things that I keep getting into the same place in the same space, or I keep attracting the same kind of relationships, you know? Uh so so so that's the uh the whole pattern, but the pattern isn't the problem, we're the problem. And so we have to learn how to evaluate and um and and address those um repeating patterns.

SPEAKER_05 13:07

Yes, and it is it's the unhealed emotions that make us continue to repeat them same patterns and relationships, and unfortunately, it becomes generational. So we repeat the patterns of our past and our parents. I do remember we talk about this all the time. I remember my mother saying, Don't put all your eggs in one basket, never trust the man fully, always have your own little sneak uh secret account. Never, you know, and those are the patterns she's teaching me from her unhealed emotions and from her hurts and pains from the past. And we don't, I don't demonstrate and act that way in my relationship because I don't have to. I consider myself whole. I've been through some stuff, it's been some struggles, but I now understand in my transformation that those things are not necessary. So I'm not teaching my daughter, our daughter, those things.

SPEAKER_03 14:08

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 14:09

Yeah, you know, two things popped into mind when you're talking, Carol. One is what my grandmother used to tell me, and I'm not even gonna repeat it, but um uh but um uh more recently, um, I have a very good friend that is very um, she she wanted to have children so badly, and she blames the fact that she didn't have children or she doesn't have a child because her mom told her not to marry a man that had not to go out with a man that has kids or marry whichever one of the bucket you want to put it, and don't so her mom told her not to go out with a man that has kids, her mom told her not to anyway. Her mom gave her a whole bunch of instructions about the men that she should date, and she and that did because of those instructions, she didn't end up getting married until she was like 42 or something, which was way past the time of her children. So she blames her mom for that. But you're right, um uh her mom was coming from a fact, probably coming from a place where maybe she was hurt because a man had children or a man there's a couple of other ones, but that's the only one I remember. But um uh so I understand what you're saying, but sometimes, you know, the older people like my grandmother or so can give you some wisdom, and you know, you might go all your life and and and and set your boundaries based on this wisdom, and it might it might it might affect your relationships, but sometimes it's good advice, yes.

SPEAKER_05 15:47

But the whole you lets you know what's good advice and what's not right, work well for them, but may not work well for you, and you know how to put it in buckets and categorize it.

SPEAKER_03 15:59

Yes, that's true, that's true. Because what because, like you said, there may have been a reason why uh grandma said what she said. Uh I'm probably not gonna get this right, but there was a great uh there was a minister on TV, I won't say his name, who gave uh a story about the woman who kept cutting the ends of her fish off before she would fry the fish. And so her husband finally asked her, Why do you cut the he says, uh, well, that's the way my mama did it. So over the time, and make a long story short, he then finally was the grandmama who started. So he was able to talk to the grandma and find why would you do that? And she said, Oh, because my pot was too too small. It was too small, so I had to cut the ends off. Yeah, so for generations they're cutting the ends off without understanding why. So we don't always have to cut the ends off.

SPEAKER_06 16:47

You can just get a great analogy. We've got some good analogies going on here. Yeah, you don't know why you do it, but it's just passed on. There's lots of stories like that. Yeah, lots of stories like that. But when it affects, you know, that's a simple one about cooking and fish and all that, but when it affects how you how you approach a relationship, how you approach a man, how you approach a woman, because we're talking about you know both genders here, and um, and then it stifles your growth, um, because you've got these these lists that you've got to check off, and it's not working for you, right? That's right, that's right.

SPEAKER_03 17:24

Yeah, stifles growth, and we can miss some opportunities.

SPEAKER_05 17:27

Maybe the person that was going to be the best person for you, you missed it because and maybe you had a child, and and we have a couple that we love dearly, but um, he came in with a daughter, and that come to find out she was not able to have children, so now her marrying him with the daughter allows her to now become a father that she desire, and now she's a grandmother that she desire. So you never know what God has aligned for us.

SPEAKER_06 17:58

Yes, I agree totally. Yes, you got to throw out that list and just be whole and receive and use your intuition and be able to evaluate um uh you know every situation that comes in. All right, we're having an awesome conversation. All right, so let's talk now about triggers. When emotions run high in a relationship, what is actually happening psychologically and emotionally?

SPEAKER_05 18:25

Ooh, that's a good one. Fear, anxiety, stress, all those are triggers that you don't know how to navigate if you're in that unhealthy state, which then can take over and you're stressed out. Then that all of that affects your health, affects your day by day, affects your relationships, how you feel, how you speak, how you act.

SPEAKER_06 18:54

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And um, the triggers part is um, you know, comes from childhood maybe, and and maybe another relationship, or um, you know, yeah, I just just my husband the other day we were we had this fight, and I'm saying, well, you gotta understand why you're being triggered. He says, Well, you're triggering me.

SPEAKER_00 19:21

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 19:23

Yeah, yeah, but but you just don't go around and and and and accept your triggers. I get triggered too. So you've got to you've got to understand and deal with them, right?

SPEAKER_03 19:33

But you know what? It's interesting the way you describe what happened, that interplay between you and your husband, because a trigger triggered a trigger, yeah, which became a trigger.

SPEAKER_05 19:45

Now we all triggers, we're triggering everyone.

SPEAKER_06 19:49

But yeah, but but when you live consciously, you should, and you listen, 95% of us do not live consciously. When you when you live consciously, you are supposed to say, Well, you know what, this triggered me, and you should really go in and and explore it, don't you think?

SPEAKER_03 20:08

Well, yes, when you are emotionally mature, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 20:12

Right, right, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_03 20:14

There's a there's we and and we were having this conversation with a couple the other day, and we reminded them you can't expect healthy behaviors to come out of an unhealthy place. Yes, but we do that, we expect people to behave in a certain way that really is a behavior of a healthy person, yes, or an emotionally mature person. And many times we're not dealing with those people. They look like a healthy and normal, you know, a healthy grown adult person that's mature and ready to for life. But when you start getting into the depth of who they really are, then some of those triggers come to play because they haven't been healed, they haven't been resolved, they haven't been understood by that individual. And so they're still behaving normally. And so this is just who I am. Yes. Well, it's who you are, it's what you're doing.

SPEAKER_05 21:10

Now we gotta figure out how to get you to be who you really are, and that's the wholeness of it, understanding your trigger and then understanding how to deal with it. Because there's an uh whole emotional way to deal with it, and then there's an immature emotional way to deal with it. So that trigger is gonna always flare up and you're gonna always react the same way. Are you men of blaming, mad, are you inviting, hurtful, offended? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 22:00

Have a trust problem. People are overwhelmed by ads, skeptical of marketing, and craving something real. That's why CEOs and purpose-driven brands partner with the Transform Your Mind Podcast. When brands partner with the Transform Your Mind Podcast, they're not just buying an ad. They're gaining trusted access to a deeply engaged, values-driven audience that is actively investing in personal growth, wellness, faith, and transformation. So let us tell your story in a way that actually resonates. Your brand is featured through a CEO or expert interview that positions you as a thought leader. Host red pre-roll and mid-roll ads woven naturally into other episodes, and long-term visibility across our full media ecosystem. We distribute every partnership interview across multiple high-impact channels, including 20 podcast platforms and directories, television distribution at PTWN TV, YouTube and streaming platforms like Reveal, social media clips and reels, and a blog article with backlinks to your website. This means your message doesn't just disappear after one episode. It's repurposed, replayed, and rediscovered across multiple platforms. If your brand serves people who value healing, mindset, wellness, faith, and personal development, the Transform Your Mind Podcast offers more than exposure. It offers alignment, authority, and authentic connection. To explore a brand partnership with the Transform Your Mind Podcast, visit us at myhelps.us partner. That is M Y H E L P S dot U S slash P-A-R-T-N-E-R. Um that's true. And now I'm gonna throw something at you that I heard the other day. And when my husband was triggered, I asked him, I said, um, what happened to you when you were like 12? Because I heard that a lot of the times those that's that's the that's the the time that these triggers start happening um uh in your young adulthood, between 12 or 15 or something. Can you comment on that? Is that true?

SPEAKER_03 24:31

Well, I don't know about the age. I think that I think triggers can begin to happen sooner than that, particularly as as this generation of kids continue to be weaker and wiser, you know, where sometimes you talk to some of these nine-year-olds and they're sounding like a 15-year-old intellectually, and and just just can understand what they're saying and the meaning of it. Um it it's it's impressive in a sense. Um oh, so uh so help me remember. Uh that's my train of thought.

SPEAKER_06 25:06

Between they said that your triggers um happen between 12 and 15, sets you up for right.

SPEAKER_05 25:13

Yeah, but I think that that's a very healthy question to ask because sometimes we have triggers that we really don't know why and where that came from. So it gave opportunities to stop and think back. And like Terry said, I don't know of the age, but I know that something had occurred to me back in my past that whatever is happening don't make me feel good about that. It's a trigger. So now the emotional wholeness in me will address that. Like, I wonder why that triggers me. And now I'm able to express to you why that triggers me to give you a better understanding so that you don't do what it is that's triggering. Yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_06 25:58

I wouldn't say that you shouldn't do it. I think that an emotionally mature person would um uh be able to work around it because I mean, you're you can tell your wife not to do something, but what happens when you're at work or you're on a parking lot or something? I mean, you get my point. I think that you should, if you're emotionally mature, you can say stuff like, oh, sticks and bones can't hurt me, or you know, whatever. We used to say that as a child, I understand you to do to deal with it.

SPEAKER_05 26:28

It just can never so much of a trigger, right? It doesn't become so much of a trigger, right? So you know how to work around it, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:38

But but let's go back a little bit. So something is said and someone reacts, and we call that we call the the uh cause of that reaction a trigger, but that's when we understand that cause and effect, but if someone says to me after I say something, well that's a trigger, that could be kind of offensive. Because what are you trying to say? I'm Looney Tunes, I'm nuts, what are you trying to say? So so how how do we help someone who has said something and then responded in a way that we think that that response is due to a trigger? Maybe it's asked that question to make them think. Because if I say, Oh, you're triggered, then you're gonna look at me as the reason why. But if I ask, has there ever been something in your past that you think may have caused that reaction? That's good. Now I'm thinking and not responding to your attack, so to speak.

SPEAKER_06 27:58

Right, right, right, right. Which is what I attempted to do because I heard that. Um, yeah, you know, my you know, if I were to be transparent, my husband has uh he he gets angry, and I know that the angry anger um is his response and uh to whatever is going on. So I asked him, I says, Hey, you know, you need to get that under control, you need to go back and sit out. Ask her and tell her. I'm just questioning him. He's got an anger response, right? And normally he's a very lead-back guy, but if he's triggered, his first response is anger. But anyway, yes, he's gotta he's gotta work that out. All right, so let's talk about boundaries now. A lot of people struggle with boundaries because they think boundaries push people away. You say that boundary boundaries can actually help protect and strengthen relationships. So why do you say that?

SPEAKER_05 28:56

Because boundaries, then wholeness allows you to know you. And in knowing you, then you know your likes and your dislikes, you know your boundaries, you know your triggers, and so it's important to know that to set boundaries, so therefore, people don't um disrespect you, or people get to know you better with those boundaries. They get to know um what what what what how you feel about certain things, about certain items, about you know, so boundaries are very important to set, but you're unable to set healthy boundaries if you're not a healthy self.

SPEAKER_03 29:40

So I I look at I just add my two cents to that because that's I like that what you said. And I think boundaries are not barriers, right? They're not barriers, they're not they're not designed to keep you from someone, but it's to help you understand how to approach that someone. And so when those boundaries are respected, that person feels valued, that person feels loved, and therefore it strengthens and makes the relationship a more intimate connection.

SPEAKER_06 30:13

Yes, good. Yeah, you're right. So you're not being triggered when someone um uh, you know, let's go back to that word again. Right, exactly. When someone, you know, um, I'm not sure what the word I'm trying to use here, but bypasses your boundaries and uh and then you react, right? So and they're do they're bypassing a boundary that you didn't even tell them was there, right? Because you didn't verbally you didn't verbally um tell them that hey, this is my line, line in the sand. I have line in the sand.

SPEAKER_05 30:44

Yeah, yeah, yep, yep. So that wholeness allows you to set those healthy boundaries. Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's right.

SPEAKER_03 30:51

Because because a lot of a lot of people don't share no, they don't some they don't call them boundaries in their minds, but they don't share their expectations, let's just say that.

SPEAKER_04 31:01

Right.

SPEAKER_03 31:01

And so when we don't communicate those expectations, often they're gonna go unmet. And then when they go unmet, now I'm mad. Yeah, but we're mad at you because you didn't meet my expectations that I didn't tell you about.

SPEAKER_05 31:13

Right, I didn't tell you about so each time that person does it because that person doesn't know that's a no, right? And they're continuing to just go on, and now it's compounding in and in, and then before you know it, you either explain it's a circular thing, they do something, you get mad, they react, and it's going around and around and around.

SPEAKER_06 31:32

Yes, very true. Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:34

So we have to learn how we have to learn how to break the cycle, yep, so that there can be peace in a relationship.

SPEAKER_06 31:40

Hey, you know, relationship is a very powerful thing, very powerful thing, and um, you know, uh most people put it on relationships with a with an intimate partner, but relationship with your children, relationship with work, relationship with friends. Relationship is a big thing, and um, if you get it right, then you're very happy, and if you get it wrong, then you're miserable. Yes, so it is very important to master some relationship skills. So I'm glad we're talking about it here. Me too. Now, in your book, um you talk about the title of your book is wholeness before two. So, why is emotional healing um before entering a relationship so important?

SPEAKER_03 32:29

So, so it is whole you before two, whole you. So, think about whole you before two, and two, that two is any connection, any relationship, like you said. Could be family, could be romantic, or it could be business relationships. Uh, and they're all over the place. I mean, and and here's we were created for relationships. That's how the creator created us. We're made for relationships, and we all want we want an a connected relationship, we want to belong, we want to feel appreciated, we want to feel accepted, all those things, and so um sometimes we fight because we don't get that, but that's what we want. We want those relationships. So, how do you build the relationship?

SPEAKER_05 33:13

How do you build? So, I think that um be going into a relationship whole allows you to love. You don't love from emptiness, you're not desperate for this relationship. You love from fullness, you love from who you are, you're able to give and you're able to receive. Without that wholeness, it's like you you you might be thirsty, you might, and so you're gonna accept just about anything or anyone who says that they like you. They may not be the best person for your space, but because you're so thirsty or you're so empty, you're going to accept anything. So you don't accept bound, you don't set boundaries, you don't do any of that stuff. You're just you're just taking whatever comes to you because of a need. I'm excited because someone chose me. Yes, yes. So you don't love from emptiness, you love from fullness.

SPEAKER_06 34:10

Yes, yeah, I like that. My daughter said that to me at uh, you know, the other day too. She says, you know, when you're thirsty, you take anything.

SPEAKER_05 34:18

Yeah, any type drink.

SPEAKER_06 34:22

Yes, I like it. So yeah, so you're saying the same thing here too. And it's very true. It is very true. We come from desperation, right? Yeah, so I love it. So on that train of thought, um uh, you know, what do you think are some of the wounds that people carry most commonly into marriages? You know, they they have unhealed wounds that are not healed, and then they they get divorced and then they go into another marriage, and you know, the statistics, right? 50% for the first one, 70% for the second one. And it's mainly because you know, you're taking you. You might have blamed, you know, um uh a spouse for something they did and that ended the relationship, and it wasn't you that did it, but you're taking that hurt and you're taking that wound and you're taking it into another relationship. So, as I ask that question, I think that I have an answer. But what what do you think is your answer? What is the most common wound that people carry into a marriage?

SPEAKER_03 35:22

I I think you answered the question in your and you're uh very well. I think a lot of probably the most hurtful, longer lasting, most impactful wound are those from our past. And what it could be a wound from our past from the childhood who was abused. It could be a wound from the past when my father or mother never said I love you. Or it would there was no emotional nurturing, but it was just get, you know, here I I bought the food, cooked the food, work, you know, be happy. Yeah, and so so so we we grow to to not have that part nurtured that really helps us to be whole and heal and to feel good about who we are, and that is what comes really from the parental unit, as our daughter always says, when we're the parental unit. Yes, right, yeah, and so that doesn't happen all the time. And a lot and a there are a lot of reasons for that. So this is not a blame statement, it's just truth. And there's and a lot of times when we work with couples and we go back into their history, we find a lot of pain that hasn't been addressed, that hasn't been identified, and sometimes it just never was spoken. They they had the feeling, but never felt comfortable enough with their spouse to talk about it. Yeah, so think about that. I married this person, I have these things that I'm not gonna share, and why don't we share those wounds? Because the fear of they'll leave me, they like me, they won't accept me, they'll look at me differently, and so we rather hide the wound and and show the face rather than take the chance to be healed, yeah. Because if we don't address it, if we don't identify it, we can't address it.

SPEAKER_05 37:20

That's so true, and so we say what they bring in is unprocessed emotions or unprocessed emotions, and unprocessed emotions can bring stress, they bring stress, they bring grief, they bring resentment, um, envy, jealousy, and these are all the baggage that sticks on you from a childhood that you've never released, and so all this and life goes on, teenage and resentment and and all of that palls on you. And so by the time now you get to other age and you get into a relationship, you are bogged down with all of this drama and stress and anxiety that you're bringing into this relationship. So it's so good. We talk about emotional wholeness, is to get in tune with that. What do trigger you? Why do you feel the way that you feel? What so so that you can unpack. I mean, we all gonna have some drama, we're all gonna have some baggage, but not tons of it to where your soul really that shows in your speech, that shows on your face, that shows it shows up every day in all kinds of ways. Anger, not saying anything, but that's right.

SPEAKER_06 38:41

That's right. Yeah, I know. I'm conscious. You have that experience, yeah, yeah. So yeah, but you know, um, I don't think there's a conversation that I have on this show that cannot be tied back to childhood trauma, which is what you know, the label we put on it on the show, childhood trauma. And um, yeah, it it's um it it takes a lot to um to unpack that. I like your words, Carol, to unpack that and and uh to um release it from your body because it's it's it's in your body, it's in your mind, it's it's everywhere. And um the bad part about it is that you you have childhood trauma and then you start dating or you have relationship trauma and you have friend trauma, and it just keeps piling on, right? So yeah, um, and um, and then you're a big old mess, right? You gotta take pills because you're depressed, you know, it's coming from somewhere, right?

SPEAKER_05 39:45

So women uh we we do a lot to beautify ourselves on the outside. We do our hair, we do our makeup, we get skincare, we dress nice and we we we look nice, but inside we don't do as much processing on the inside to beautify ourselves on the inside that we do on the outside. If we pay as much attention on our internal as we do on our external, that's a way of helping us get to that whole place.

SPEAKER_06 40:22

Yeah, so well, I agree totally, and if I'm pretty sure I don't know the statistics, but yeah, women hold have much more trauma than men because you know people just keep doing things to us.

SPEAKER_05 40:36

Right, right.

SPEAKER_06 40:40

Well, they just keep triggering us, people get not triggering, they just keep doing things to us, and then we're triggered, right? Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 40:49

That's okay. If it's any if it's any soulless, uh men have issues too. I know they do, but I know if it's a women audience, so it's probably like 70 to 30 or something like that.

SPEAKER_06 41:02

Women uh, we yes, we bear the brunt of most of it. Yes. Um uh all right, so this show is called Transform Your Mind. And we just completed a series on mind, body, spirit connection. So let's talk now about faith and spiritual growth and how does that play in emotional healing and relationship transformation? I would even uh you know add something to that because you can't really be emotionally whole unless you're spiritually whole. Do you agree?

SPEAKER_03 41:38

That's part of it, yes. We say the the the uh emotional, spiritual, and relational alignment. That's that's the wholeness we define it, and and the spiritual part is a significant part of that. And and and often when we say that to people, I I because I grew up in the church, I always tell people we're not talking about spooky spiritual, you know, where people get all weird. It really is it's more of our essence, it's who we are inside and who God created us to be, is how I look at that spiritual part of us, and that's the part that is really a significant part of us, and I think more than we think. We think we're these human bot human bodies, and we got the spirit thing going, but actually we're spiritual people in this human body, ancient bodies, yeah, yeah, yeah. So if we paid more attention to that spiritual part of us, um then our faith becomes stronger. So so so it's really interesting how you think about it. So so the spiritual part of us, that nature who we have created by the creator in his image and the way he lives and is. So if we focus on that, we strengthen that through various ways of worship and prayer and and reading and community. So we grow that faith, that faith is what gives the strength to deal with the issues of life that causes us the stress that makes us feel anxious, which then causes our physical problems and our relational problems, and many times our own individual selves and how we see ourselves. So, so faith and spiritualness, the way I just described it, is huge and it is a significant part of our growth and our development, and shouldn't be put aside as well, that's a component of just do on Sunday, and I'll be fine. Oh no, much more than that.

SPEAKER_05 43:42

Yeah, that is so good. Because without that, without the wholeness, you're at war with your mind, your body, and your soul. Spiritually, you're at war, you're conflicted, you you you don't know how to act or how to eat. Even receive because then you don't know how to even build that spiritual life that is necessary. You don't know how to take the word and let it apply to you on a day-to-day um process, or even how to fulfill yourself with just that loneliness and waste. Without that, it's so important. Without the wholeness, all of that, you're you're conflicted. It's that you're in war with yourself. So you you have no peace.

SPEAKER_06 44:34

I like that. I like that. Yeah, that's right. So yeah, um, it's it's yes, the um our emotional and uh spiritual growth um is very important in relationships, and it's very important as part of the wholeness that we're talking about here, not even the emotional maturity part of it, but it's just the wholeness. Because um, in order for you to give anything, you have to be full. You've you can't give something that you don't have. So when we're talking love, when we're talking friendship, when we're talking anything that we do in relationships, we have to give it, right? So you have to be full of it yourself before you before you give it. And you've and you also have to be able to be in your own beingness, right? Your own wholeness. And um, and it's such a beautiful thing. And when you're that way, you're not gonna react to everything on the outside because you know, I mean, I my daughter and I have this thing where we we label things as internal lotus of control or external, right? And anything something is triggering you is from the outside world, we say, okay, you have an external lotus of control, you've got to be internal. And and over the years, I have developed that when I, you know, expand my spirituality and I expand my intuition and my consciousness and all that, because I work on that every single day. But there's a lot of people that don't work on it, so yeah, they um everything that's happening on the outside is is bothering them, it's triggering them, right? And they're like a trigger, trigger, trigger person.

SPEAKER_05 46:17

Yeah, and and the stress just weighs them down, the anxiety, and so it makes you unhealthy, it makes unhealthy mentally and physically, yeah, yes, and then you get divorced because yes, you're like a and then you take that into the next one, right?

SPEAKER_06 46:35

Exactly. Yeah, and then you carry it over, right? Like we say, we carry it over to the next one, right?

SPEAKER_03 46:40

So we say wherever you go, that's where you'll be.

SPEAKER_06 46:43

That's that's right, that's right.

SPEAKER_03 46:44

You took yourself at you, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 46:48

Divorcing her, and I'm you go find somebody else. Well, guess what? You you need to fix you. Let them be a guess. Yeah, if you take who you are today over here, you're gonna get the same results.

SPEAKER_06 47:00

Yeah, you're gonna get the same result, right? Yeah, so that's a good plug that you've got to work on yourself, you gotta work on yourself, you gotta become whole, which is perfect, which is what you guys talk about. And um, some people might look at it, oh, it's just a label, but yeah, you know, who you are, what do you want, right? Um, and um, and be you, and it's actually very attractive. I think that both sexes find somebody that shows up as authentic themselves is much more attractive to the other person, right?

SPEAKER_05 47:35

You have ever met someone, I'm sure you have, met someone who I'll just say society will say is not the most beautiful person. Because you know, society will put a label on you, this is what beauty is. Yeah, so but yet their internal, their confidence, their speech, their dress, how they carry themselves is just so attractive. It's so warm, and and so therefore, you look at that person as just being a beautiful person, that's just a beautiful person. So you're now trying to look at them and label uh uh how thin they are, what color they are, how what their hair looks like, what their eyes look, you know what? It's just you're not even looking at the external part of them because the whole and their beauty and their confidence just exudes from the inside out.

SPEAKER_06 48:31

I had a best friend that was like that, and um, I still talk about her today because yeah, I mean, I don't know if she was whole, but she's certainly confident and she carried herself confidently, she thought very highly of herself, and I would think, oh my god, she wasn't very pretty, but yeah, because she carried herself that way, then she attracted the right guys, and then you have the opposite where you see this beautiful person, but they have no confidence because when they look in the mirror, they they see something totally different, and um it it works in reverse, and yeah, men do not find.

SPEAKER_05 49:10

I mean, I could only talk from the woman's perspective, men do not find that attractive, um, and um either way, but I can speak for the men's perspective, don't find that attractive and you say that they have on, and I'm not saying that you not to use makeup and stuff because God created everything for us to use, you know, to make ourselves feel good, but you don't lay it on, it's like you're already beautiful, you don't need it's like you're make trying to make yourself be beautiful, yeah. And then there's a sense of insecurity that you have to pile it on, and then your clothes are too small, and then it's just a lot of things that shows just looking at that person that that person is not that secure within themselves.

SPEAKER_06 49:55

No, and the men don't like it.

SPEAKER_04 49:57

This they call it fake, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 50:04

It's not the authentic self. Yes, it's like yeah, yeah, yeah. And you said whatever whatever relationship wants is a whole you. That's what every relationship wants, whatever they may call it, but that's what they're looking for. They're looking for someone who um you know has has a good sense of themselves, and that's that wholeness is that know who I am, I love who I am, and I can walk authentically who I am in every space.

SPEAKER_06 50:32

That's the most important thing we said all day. You gotta love who you are, right? Yes, you gotta love who you are, right? What do you love?

SPEAKER_03 50:40

How can you love your neighbors yourself if you don't love yourself?

SPEAKER_06 50:42

Like you gotta love who you are, exactly. Yes, amazing. All right, so tell us about your book, whole you before to how emotional wholeness transforms every relationship. Why did you write it and what do you want readers to walk away with?

SPEAKER_03 50:57

Ah, great question. Uh, the book was written. Uh, the short story is that it was written because of watching and working with and interacting with so many couples, individuals, and leaders over the last 20 week years together, and then probably another 10 or so years before that, before in us, and began to realize patterns and began to realize over the years, I was trying to figure out why are these relationships not working? Because I would ask this question, Myrna, in conferences, groups, or even one-on-one, I would ask these couples, um, how many of you got married so that it would fail? And over the years, in various contexts, no one said, Yeah, I got married so I was that so many marriages fail. And marriage is one of those significant relationships, and then other types of relationships fail as well, as I began to identify, and then start realizing why. First, we started with because of selfishness or pride or one of those uh intrinsic characteristics, and that is true, but then we start going deeper. But why the pride? Why the selfishness? What's missing? Why can't we address those things? Then we start looking at this emotional immaturity. We just don't understand how to be in relationship and how to do relationship. And so uh my darling wife inspired me one day when she said, You should write that, you should write that as a legacy to leave so that people will see it because I've watched you and how you've grown, how you have how you do this. She says so much better.

SPEAKER_06 52:44

That's the highest compliment. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 52:48

And so I said, Yeah, you're right, I'll write it someday. She says, No, no, really, you should write it. I go, Ah, we'll get to it. We're busy on our time. She says, No, go do it today, go start today.

SPEAKER_05 52:58

Right, you know, it truly didn't I tell him it truly did come from admiration because I told him I admire the father you are, I admire the husband and how you treat me, but also not just me, others. No matter you're the most humble person, you you you don't you're not easily angered. If a person contacts you and they need wise counsel, you'll stop whatever you're doing, and you give them your time, you listen, and I see that as a great skill. I said, so we're aging now. I said, who you are and the wisdom that you give, you should put that on paper, leave a legacy. So therefore, after you're we're no longer here, you have left a trail that someone can follow in your footsteps to be able to be this person that you demonstrate who you are today. And so I felt that in my heart. I spoke that and I said, no, you should really write a book because we had just written a book and we were really busy. And I think because of the presentation, he decided, oh, okay, you think that of me? And so he went and started writing, Myrna, and started writing, and he poured his whole heart into it. And once the product was done and I was proofreading, I said, We are on to something right here. Because again, everyone looks at, they'll look at the marriage, they'll look at the friendship, they'll look at their coworkers, and all of that takes relationships. And it's not the coworker, it's not the marriage, it's the relationship in them. And we don't know how to do that. I asked Terry a question one day. I said, Do you think selfish people know they're selfish?

SPEAKER_06 54:50

What did he say?

SPEAKER_05 54:52

That's like going around, maybe not because they selfish, you know.

SPEAKER_06 54:56

So yeah, I think they're aware they're selfish because people tell them.

SPEAKER_03 55:01

People tell them are they aware of it to trigger so they don't hear that's right.

SPEAKER_05 55:07

But but but you know, so it's just that internal look at ourselves to say, maybe, and so that's where the wholeness. So that's how he decided to.

SPEAKER_03 55:18

Yeah, so the whole goal was just look look in ourselves. It starts with us, it's me. It's like you talked about the old old old folks in the church used to sing the song it's me, it's me, it's me, old Lord.

SPEAKER_06 55:29

Yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_03 55:31

So I think about that sometimes. It's me. I need I'm the one.

SPEAKER_06 55:34

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, you know, that's my favorite song. I sing it every day when I'm in the park. Oh, is that right? One of my favorite, one of my favorite pastors, he's not my my pastor, but um Jamal Bryant. Um, he says that it's his favorite one too. So, yeah, I like that one. It's me, it's me, it's me a Lord, standing in the need of prayer.

SPEAKER_03 55:54

So, so to finish that up, the so the purpose of the book is to help people understand how to do it. How then to learn how to develop relationships? And how do I start with me? And what is that work? And so this is kind of a guide, it's a manual of it's not just a read-through fictional book. Hey, that was great. It's it's a it makes you think, it makes you work. There's a workbook after each uh chapter that asks questions that make you dig and think, and not just for for for uh busyness, but for really getting at the the inside so you can be the best you.

SPEAKER_05 56:30

Yeah, it's not perfect, it's not being perfect. We're we're not perfect, right? And you never arrive, it's a journey. Yes, so it's learning how to be the best of who we are through this journey. Yes.

SPEAKER_06 56:45

Well, I understand totally, which is basically what I was saying. When um, if you find yourself triggered, then you've got to uncover why. So when you're doing the work, I'm pretty sure you're be asking questions like that. Um, because yeah, in order for us to change, in order for us to heal, we've got to do the work. And um, it doesn't come, um, it doesn't even come by sitting uh and and telling a therapist, you know, it comes by actually doing the work like you're talking about in a workbook. Ask a question and think back and and then write it down because anything that you eliminate or illuminate, I should say, is what you can um heal. You can't you can't heal anything that you're not aware of, which is why they say consciousness is one of the most important things that you can do. All right, so where can our listeners um uh um pick up a copy of your book? I know it's on Amazon. Do you have a website? Are you guys on social media? So leave here your um, you know, contact information for someone that, and even I think you guys are coaches too. So if you want to talk about that, yes.

SPEAKER_03 57:51

So so the best source is to go to our website. It's one O-N-E, One Flesh Ministries, one word, one flesh ministries, right there behind me. Oneflesh ministries.org. And um, so there you can get information about the book, you can get information about us, you can get information about our ministry, uh, our work that we do, and uh contact, book an uh an appointment, whatever. It's all there. We want we try to make it easy, one-stop shop so that uh people can can find us because what we're finding, and and thankfully we're people are finding us you know through Google and things like that. And uh, but a lot of people are referred to us, and we appreciate that uh because our whole heart is to help. We want to help people heal, um, because that's where the joy of life is. Um that's where the fullness of life is that John 10 10 uh promised that uh we will have life and we have it to the full.

SPEAKER_06 58:58

Right, yes. I love it. I love it. Yeah, I didn't I I didn't make the connection at the ministries part until now. So you guys are definitely in the word. I love it. I love it. Awesome. All right, are you on are you on social media?

SPEAKER_03 59:12

We are Facebook, Instagram. I think there was only two, right? Facebook, Instagram.

SPEAKER_06 59:16

What is your handle?

SPEAKER_05 59:18

We are OneFlesh Ministries on Facebook and both. Okay, same okay, Instagram and Terry and Kiril Moss. Kirill Moss, Terry Moss. Google, yes, all right, amazing, amazing.

SPEAKER_06 59:31

All right, so guys, um, what a powerful conversation today. Terry and Carol reminded us that healthy relationships don't start with finding the right person, they start with becoming the whole person. Emotional maturity isn't about suppressing feelings or pretending everything is fine, it's about learning how to understand our triggers, communicate with intention, and create boundaries that protect ourselves and the people we love. When we take the time to heal our wounds, regulate our emotions, and grow in self-awareness, we stop repeating painful patterns and begin building relationships rooted in trust, respect, and connection. So the real transformation always begins within. When you become emotionally whole, every relationship in your life, whether it's your partner, your family, or your workplace, can begin to transform as well. Thank you, Terry and Carol, for sharing your wisdom with us today. And as we wrap up, any last words for our listening audience?

SPEAKER_05 1:00:36

Yes. So from me, emotional wholeness is like our internal alignment. We said your mind, heart, and actions are no longer at war with each other. Without it, us as women, we may function on a daily basis, but we're carrying weight that will eventually show up somewhere in from our body, our relationships, and our purpose. So let's strive to become that whole person that God purposed us to be.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:11

Well, hey, I I I too wrote something, but I don't know if I want to share that. No go ahead. Here's what I want to leave. Emotional immaturity doesn't just affect how you feel, it limits how far you can go. Your breakthrough isn't blocked by opportunity, it's blocked by what you haven't healed, owned, or matured through yet.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:40

Yeah, that's good. I like it. Yes, it's right. Yeah, it's what you haven't healed yet. Actually, that gives me goosebumps, Terry. I don't know why, but yeah, that gave me goosebumps. So that's good, that's awesome. Yeah, because what you haven't healed yet. Yes, yes. We're in a process of becoming, right? That's the new thing. Absolutely becoming right. We're never there, we're always becoming. So, yes, we got to continue our healing. Yes, hey guys. Well, listen, thank you, Transformers, for tuning in to another episode of the Transform Your Mind podcast. Remember, your mind is the most powerful tool you have to create the life you want. Thank you, Terry and Carol. Until next time, keep transforming your mind to transform your life. Namaste.